Parting Vow
by kerricarri
Summary: The flamboyant blond of the Akatsuki, long before his death, had to deal with the problematic aspects that came with the job, like identity and worth. Disillusioned and jaded, he cannot accept the merging of his past with his present.
1. Identity

A character study for Deidara featuring several aspects of being an Akatsuki he has to deal with. Though his past will be hinted at frequently there will never be anything concrete. I'm trying to focus on developing his character through the "present" each chapter is set in so while I have given him a past, it's very integrated with the fic's time setting. Each chapter will be their own standing oneshot and will be chronological.

**Summary**: Besides blowing things up, Deidara has an unusual habit, one that the others look down at him for, and he's been doing it for five years.

**EDIT**/I haven't edited anything of this fic. It's a very old work and doesn't accurately show my current writing style. However, I was quite fond of it once. For nostalgia's sake, then.

* * *

She has no grave, much less a tombstone to call her own. Yet, Iwagakure takes an almost masochistic pleasure in providing proof that a person _did _exist and, look, see that garish gravemarker? Yeah, here lies another rich, worthless civilian whose corpse wasn't even worth destroying for its weak body had no secrets to tell.

All Iwa-nin got was a stupid memorial, un, supposedly there to commemorate those oh-so brave shinobi who'd thrown their lives away for the sake of a village that just _didn't care._ It's nice to know that things rarely change here in the face of my rather hectic missing-nin life. Things like these old geezers' graves, and even the aforementioned memorial above, are forever eternal pieces of another hidden village left to _rot_, un.

Good. That only made it a number one candidate in my book to blow it up. Congratulations, Mosuke Hatori, you and your very dead friends are eligible to be part of one of many explosive moments in time that I call my 'art,' un—be proud. If only to be of some worth to Iwa, of course. I'll be sure to remember to incorporate that into my welcome party.

But that's not why I'm here. For now. Unfortunate, un. But I'll be back!

Satisfied with my parting vow, I continue on, not even sparing another glance at the cemetery I'd forever banished to the back depths of my mind. Until I had to leave my lovely old village again, un. Until then, Mosuke-saamaaa…!

I had all the time in the world. After today I was never coming back, un. Don't be stupid! It has nothing to do with _Iwa Anbu_ trying to keep me away! Although they have tried. Really hard, un. Not that that's stopped me; I could come and go whenever I pleased!

But that's just the thing. I _don't_ come back, every year, for my own pleasure. And definitely _not _'whenever I pleased,' either. Everybody's got their own quirks and habits. And surely everyone had an annual ritual to complete, un! Mine's just a bit…unique compared to the others.

Others, being the Akatsuki members, un. Most of them don't understand why I do this every year. And I do mean _every year_. Sometimes even twice! But that was only the one time because the second visit to Iwa simply acted as a reminder to _everyone_ in this hellhole that just because I always dropped in during the fall didn't mean I couldn't come any other time.

That unexpected appearance of mine during the wintertime celebrations? Yeah. It was their own damn fault—they brought it onto themselves. Honestly, they should be glad that I _only _come during autumn and not randomly throughout the year, un. Stupid Iwa-nins, don't you know that if you only had to expect me during the fall you wouldn't have to be on guard throughout the entire year, twenty-four-seven? I'd thought it would've been an obvious signal to Iwagakure—'Deidara always comes during the fall, so keep the village defenses up then, un!'

Did they really wanted my predictability to change? Did they really wanted me to become _unpredictable_? Damn, I knew my old village wasn't too bright, but they should've just taken my damn predictability as a godsend! Not that I believe in that crazy Jashin-kun or anything, but…what was that western phrase…'Don't look a gift horse in its mouth'…? Yeah! That's why they should _never _try to bar me from coming during autumn. Otherwise I'd get mad and things go…boom, un!

Bet it grates their nerves. They always know I come around this time, but they can never catch me. No way, un! I'm too awesome to be captured when I come _willingly_ to Iwagakure. Like hell I'd be caught then!

But only a stupid Akatsuki would take all the time in the world in the village they betrayed. And I am _no_ stupid Akatsuki, un. I'm not _Tobi._Sure, I do have all this time to blow stuff up, especially since Sasori-danna allows it, but I'm not stupid, nor do I _want_ to, un. I came here for only one thing, and it sure as hell wasn't to go around exploding people up. Yet.

As much fun as that sounds, I can't. Maybe later…? I think Iwa needs another lesson that no one can keep _this _missing-nin away! Slipping past the _Anbu border guards _was a bitch, after all. No petty chunnin-ranked border guarding this month, un! Not when it was so close to being my expected arrival date. Heh, I'm flattered.

Shame Iwa's so stupid, though. They should expect that I could come a bit _earlier _than my usual autumn date! Instead, they focus more defensive plans aimed towards late autumn and early winter. Un…do they _really _think I'd be interested in their little festivals anymore? It was just that one time! Then again, these days, Iwa's festivals _deserved_ to be bombed.

But maybe I'm being biased. Festivals generally are a bang…just like my art! Just dumber. And duller. And…well, _boring_…er. Yes. Not that my birds are boring! I could take on those stupid puppeteers any day. _Aaaand,_ not only that, but I could start a war, un! Between Suna and Iwa, I can start a war easy.

In my experience, or at least…according to Sasori-danna, Suna could care less about their alliance with Iwa. Their very _shaky _alliance, un. But target their puppeteers and you get very unhappy desert goers, un. They really like their puppeteers, even the civilian ones…Suna's a little funny that way.

You know what? I _should _visit again! That's right, twice this year! Just one last time, even if I swore _this _would be my last visit…Only, maybe I should come during the winter. Again. That should throw them off, un! Because there was just no way stupid puppeteers should come brighten up Iwa's day. They didn't deserve it. _Any_ of it.

Would Sasori-danna be angry if I killed them, I wonder? But I know the answer immediately—of course he wouldn't. Why would Sasori-danna be angry with me, un? He's way better a shinobi and at puppet playing. Hell, even Sasori-danna's sad, misguided views on art are better than those _other _sad excuses of art those theater troupes carry around. Plus, no self-respecting puppeteers would dance around and make fools of themselves for the sake of _Iwagakure_. Especially if its to strengthen some stupid friendly ties that aren't actually that friendly, come to think about it.

Starting a war is sounding very appealing right now, un.

Somehow cheered at that thought, I felt like picking up my pace, and I did. It wasn't long until I finally reached my destination, and I felt even more cheered by the sight that greeted me.

Or, more correctly, what _didn't_ greet me.

I was in the infamous Sector-C of Iwagakure, which was completely decimated when I ditched the village, and never fully recovered, un. Where once proud buildings of stone stood now was home to the slums of the village, the bane of its economy, the black mark in an otherwise successful village. The slums. Wonderful, _wonderful_ slums of a failing village.

And I was the one to reduce this flourishing district into nothing more than straggling rubble. I feel so proud, un, that my art rendered the area completely worthless. Not even Sasori-danna's _art_ can do what I did to Iwa.

Not even him.

He once claimed subtly was completely lost on me and that my stealth was on par with a Konoha genin on crack. He doesn't like going on missions with me, see.

Before being recruited and dragged to Headquarters by Itachi some years ago, I'd one more request before I was forced into dreadful purple nail polish and spats; I wanted to return briefly back home. That was when I made crazy ass plans to make a very cool missing-nin exist.

Akatsuki, of course, didn't believe for a moment that my request _wasn't_ seeped in ulterior motives. And they were right…just not in the way they thought. Honestly, at that point, how could I make a run for it when I knew full well Akatsuki wasn't going to let me go after approaching me, un? And _then_ after I was forced to explain why I wanted to return, they all stared at me as if I was…Tobi! Not like that dummy can understand _art_…none of them really understood why I'd _want_ to go back—even if it's for 'revenge' or something stupid like that, un.

Which, I admit, kinda had something to do with my crazy ass, very cool missing-nin plans…

But was it really so much to ask if I could blow up a sector of Iwagakure before I leave with them to be inducted into their little organization? Apparently so.

What I _think_ they thought what I was trying to do to was to 'escape' from them, via explosives. Hmph. And I'd heard Akatsuki was supposed to be _smart_, un. I wasn't going to ward them off with explosives! Especially not if I just _told _them so.

It was a waste of clay, anyway.

In any case, imagine my recruiters' surprise when I did carry out my promise and blew up a third of Iwagakure. But they shouldn't have! I would've done it again if stupid Itachi hadn't dragged me off. It was fun. Great fun. Remember Sector-C? It was my last 'fuck you' to those prissy higher ups that never appreciated me when I was a shinobi under their thumbs or when I was a mercenary for hire outside village walls. Outside, mind you, meaning: Look, but don't touch? They never did get it, but that wasn't why I made the place go kaboom. Truth be told, I had a feeling that was my last chance to show off that rebellious streak to Iwa before I'd be forgotten as that crazy genin kid who liked to make things blow up.

I was to become Akatsuki, after all. It was their own damn fault they demoted me for something completely out of my control. In Iwa's history books, I was listed as a _genin_ when I really made chunnin months before I…un. Well, whatever. At the very least I was their most _memorable_genin, a status which I didn't want at all.

Why would I want some stupid Iwa based status? I wanted everyone to forget Deidara of Iwa because Deidara of Iwa was _dead_! But Deidara of_Akatsuki_ wasn't. Nope! He was just born. And I wanted everyone to know it.

Deidara of Akatsuki was the one to become a powerful shinobi. Deidara of Akatsuki was the one who snubbed and turned his back on _Iwa_, un, and not the other way around. Deidara of Akatsuki was a strong, S-Class Missing-nin, explosive expert, and lover of art, who doesn't take that Iwa shit. _Deidara of Iwa _was nothing more than a sniveling weakling who couldn't even handle the government's twisted machinations and broke down and _cried_when he was demoted.

Not for being stripped of his rank, not for being stripped of his power, un, but for realizing the symbolism behind that act. The fact that the government _itself_ was trying to keep the whole ordeal hush hush and sweep the whole matter under the rug as if I were…as if I weren't a proud chunnin of Iwagakure!

_No_! Not me…_not me_. I'm not _him _anymore. He's dead. He's _finished_. I am _Akatsuki_ now!

And just like that, my previous good mood smashed into Sasori-victim-bits.

This was why I kept resolving to stop coming every year. But I just kept coming and _coming._I should have no ties with this place—I destroyed them long ago! When members were inducted they were supposed to break all ties with their village, but I just kept coming back for more!

I must be a masochist, un. That's the only explanation. _Why else can't I get rid of this guilt?_

I try, I really do try, every year to resolve past…issues. With Iwa. With _her_. But mostly with Iwa. How many bombs do I have to set off, how many more lives do I have to keep coming back to claim, if my stupid past won't stay that way—_in the past_? I passed it off for closure the first time I came back as _Deidara of Akatsuki_. So why do I keep coming back—_why_, un?

The others in…Akatsuki. They were confused about that, too, when I found myself coming back year after year. And I didn't even know why. I still don't know why, un.

No, that's a lie; I know why _now_. Hell, Sasori-danna knows why, too. Once, when he was really frustrated with me, more so than usual anyway, he demanded to know why I kept 'wallowing in my eternal denial' and why I wouldn't come to terms with my 'everlasting guilt.' It sickened him, he said, to know that I reeked of hypocrisy like this, to go against my very own beliefs and values that I advocated so strongly. I could barely hold up my end of our familiar art debates for weeks after that.

Actually, I could barely look at him for weeks after that, un.

When I started moping around Headquarters, feeling exhaustingly anemic, Sasori-danna confronted me and smacked me around a bit. To his surprise, even that couldn't get a rise out of me. I remember Akatsuki was unusually explosion-free during that _Dark Time_. In my impromptu depression I'd even missed my annual date with the Iwa locals. For some reason that made me feel even shittier. Somehow. At one point, even Kisame couldn't take my gloominess in good humor anymore and bluntly told me that even Tobi was being affected by my monthlies and go lay a local pretty boy thing.

_I'm not a girl, damn it_!

Sasori-danna finally couldn't ignore my listlessness any longer and dragged us off to Earth Country. An actual fricking mission, specially approved by Sir Leader, who'd told me to snap out of it and get a hold on myself. Only then may I return. _After_ whatever petty issue of mine had been resolved enough, of course, so that my fighting wasn't being affected, and, damn it, Deidara, the fucking silence around here is becoming fucking uneasy and hurry and blow something up and make us all happy.

Sir Leader had found my explosions lacking while I was in my depressive funk. Well, _sorry very much_, un, Sir Leader sir, but what kind of S-Class organization's leader sends one of his missing-nins to his village of origin in a much unnecessarily stupid mission? Never mind the fact that I willingly went to Iwa every year anyways.

The kind that cares, he answered shortly.

Well, damn. That's missing-nin therapy for you, un. And he's _still _smug about being right. That a little explosions here and there to vent in my old village would do loads for lowering my stress level.

Sir Leader knows best, I guess. Than again, it's also a matter of convenience—I get restless a lot at all times of the day, and Iwa_is_ right there, so…

But Sasori-danna's the only one who really _cares._ He's awesome like that, un. Ever since then he's come with me to Earth Country, despite however long I take in preparing my annual 'Welcome Home, Deidara' party. Though, he doesn't come along solely for my comfort. What he really comes along for is to get his supply of special metals and minerals only found in Earth Country, and the occasional wood.

He thinks of my yearly antics in my home village as stupid, but unfortunately necessary. Remember, I'm restless, yeah? Well, in return, I'd cheerily point out the best spots to hit for his puppet materials, if only to piss off the local daimyo. I _had been _Iwa's explosive specialist, after all. And I _had _searched out the best spots in the country to gather _my _art supplies during my brief time as a mercenary, too.

Danna would always sneer at my friendly suggestions, when he knew full well I knew the terrain a hell lot better than him. Whenever we'd meet at our rendezvous point after our respective excursions, though, he'd sometimes even give me reluctant praise. He cherishes his puppets too much to _not _thank me…I think.

Most of the time, he doesn't even say anything, but the telltale sign of bulging scrolls stuffed in a sack tells me he'd been busy pillaging, and he was very much a happy-nin. That was enough for me, un.

As we developed a familiar routine around our Earth Country visits, Sasori-danna's way of expressing future gratitude, once he'd become quite familiar with just _how_ great Earth resources really were combined with his puppetry, was to allow me longer lengths of time to remain in Iwagakure. As if I was a dog…or, or a child. Yeah, something like that, but I don't mind so much. Sasori-danna considered my continued trips to Iwa a very stupid thing, an essential no-man's land for me in particular, but he _accepts_ it. He even understands it!

That didn't mean he never again brought up my masochistic guilt-complex. In fact, he brings up the topic way too frequently for my tastes. But his slow-in-coming looks of worried annoyance I know he'd shoot at me whenever he thought I wasn't looking as he'd shuffle away in Hiruko more than made up for it.

Because he knew, for all his outward irritation, that I went through self-imposed hell as I leapt over Iwa walls, even if my one masochistic habit seemed highly unnecessary, and highly _troublesome,_ to everyone else. But he supports me in this. He doesn't berate me for being stupid—not on this issue. Mostly when it comes to my lack of self-preservation instincts, un, but not for my actual decision to continue this yearly habit of mine.

He_understands_me. And that is why Sasori no Danna has my eternal respect. Respect's an art, too, yeah? Even if I abhor eternity, I wouldn't give up this…thing we have between us that makes us seamless partners and, hell, even _friends._ I wouldn't give this up, even for that brief moment in time when the skies rip apart in explosions of red and orange, the thing I truly believe is _art_. But strangely enough…for Sasori-danna, it's worth it. It's worth it if this friendship lasts _forever_, damn it. _And I really, really want it to._

So what if I'm a masochistic S-Class missing-nin with his priorities all mixed up, un.

So what if I can't completely sever ties with the village I scorn.

So what if there have only been two people in my entire miserable life that truly understood me, and one of them is beside me while the other one's dead.

So what if I ignore Sir Leader's old disapproval for continuing my trips to Iwa after that stupid mission he'd assigned, and the rest of the Akatsuki ignorantly thinks I'm indulging in petty continual revenge against Iwa by coming back year after year. _So what?_

I'm Deidara of Akatsuki, un! A damn good shinobi, but a terrible missing-nin. After all, according to that godawful status quo, a missing-nin shouldn't be doing what _I've _been doing for years now! Well, fuck that! Screw it, un! I'm my own person, and I've always been my own person. I'm not another nameless soldier a village can throw away on whim, and I sure as hell aren't the weakling I was when I left Iwagakure.

An individual. If only shinobi could be acknowledged as individuals…we can't be emotionless tools, un. Iwa was asking for the impossible! We can't be good little soldiers that march off to certain death—_sacrifice—_when we've given our all to villages that don't give a damn!

They scorned my family for our hands.

They scorned me for my destructive habits.

_They scorned me for my individuality_.

They didn't understand my art, they didn't understand _me_, and after all that they expected me to follow along with their manipulations like a loyal shinobi should? I am not a mindless pawn! I just didn't have the guts to acknowledge until it became nearly too late. I was extremely nationalistic once, too, un. But they tried to oppress me, and when they failed to mold me into the same caste as my fellow shinobi, they had the audacity to condemn my beliefs, my originality, _my art_, un!

I am an unorthodox shinobi. I make bombs on the spot. I fly when I travel. I am not ashamed of my _freakish, disgusting _hands. I am _Deidara,_and when I dared to realize this and dared to dream, they had the _nerve_ to try to break me, to _keep me silent_.

Art is a bang, un. And on the day I left Iwagakure to become Deidara of Akatsuki, I showed all of them just that. I showed every fucking shinobi in that village that _I was free—_I smiled, I laughed…especially when I blew all those men, women and children up! I was no longer afraid because Iwa no longer had any hold on me, and though I was forced to shed my mercenary status for something even greater than I could have imagined at the time, even if I was forced into the job that I was slow to love, _Iwagakure was dead to me_.

That's right. I'm not Deidara of Iwa. He's _dead_. And no matter how many times I come to this cursed village, I can never become him again. Neither do I want to. _Iwa has no hold _on me, no power, no leash…

When I sneak into the village, I am an Akatsuki. I do not think of myself as an Iwa-nin—I am simply _Deidara_. An individual working with other individuals for a greater cause; a distant goal, yeah, but far greater than anything a mere village could wrangle up. I'm not hindered by the morals, rules, and regulations of a hidden village, nor am I condemned for my art. My values are my own as surely as I must wear this hideous shade of purple on my nails.

I am Akatsuki. And Deidara of Iwa is dead here.

And when Iwagakure prepares for my yearly autumn arrival in the only way they know how, it is with triumph that I best them all. That rush of satisfaction, as I leave volatile parting gifts, is all so that I can taste a sliver of that freedom I felt when I blew a third of Iwa up. No Anbu can stop me, the _government _is helpless against me, and Rokudaime Tsuchikage sure as hell isn't getting rid of me anytime soon.

And though my legendary status in Iwagakure is as sweet as exploding newly developed clay, it was the smallest and silliest of culture shocks that gave me the most pleasure thus far, oddly enough. But Sasori-danna thinks my strangeness quaint, so I don't think too much of it.

All foreigners who plan to stay for a long time are warned of this as they're integrated into Iwa society. Tourists learn of this, only to laugh it off as superstition. Adults uneasily acknowledge this, but tend to ignore it. And the shinobi are terrified of this because they most assuredly know it to be true.

But it is the children, un, that gives me the most pleasure, since they're the only ones to actually _say _this aloud. They're the only ones with the guts, un, which is why civilian, genin, or otherwise, they're the most amusing. I love children…the only naïve things left of this world…

_Don't piss Deidara off or he'll blow you up_.

It's official. It's practically set in stone. No pun intended, too.

I am Iwa no Bakemono.

The Monster of Iwa.

I've accomplished what I set out to do by working with Akatsuki. The one thing I wanted more than anything else from my old village, the thing I would only accept from them now, something I've been working my ass off for ever since I'd left those bastards.

The acknowledgment that I was no longer one of them. The knowledge that _Deidara of Iwa _didn't exist at all anymore. The infamy I'd gained under the Akatsuki name. The identity I'd carved out _myself,_ not as a stupid shinobi who'd blindly given his village his all, but as an individual being that is alive and passionately so, emotions and all. Consequently, birds are to be feared in Iwa.

I'm not a soldier, heartlessly sacrificed for the sake of a village. Not even a true shinobi, which was simply impossible as humans aren't _meant_to be forced into that image. But a person. A goddamn _human being_. With dreams and fears like any other civilian. Not a tool because tools are cast away the moment they turn useless. And I am _not _useless. I'm not useless.

I know I'm being used. I know my worth as a shinobi is weighed by my skills. I know that Sir Leader doesn't give two shits who _I _am as long as his subordinate, Deidara, fights for him. I know all this. I'm not stupid, and I know my ideas are an idealist's dream.

But I also know that it was virtually impossible to be like this within the confines of a hidden village, to feel what I _feel_ everyday as an Akatsuki. And if betraying my comrades and living a life where everyone's nearly your enemy and thinks you're _scum_, I don't care! Better to die knowing that your life served a _purpose_, that it wasn't worthless, that it accounted for nothing in the eyes of a village who truly, in every sense of the word, _used _you.

If I manage to live long enough to see the fulfillment of Akatsuki's dream, at least I can say that my life left a _mark _on the world. That my life counted for something, and that my accomplishments attributed to _something _tangible than some fucked up shinobi philosophy where you serve your village and nothing else, where your only reward is to just _die_.

Good little shinobi train to protect their village, their Kage. Loyalty is ingrained in them from the moment they're drafted to die. After serving the village, what then, un? What would've happened to _me_ if I hadn't escaped from Iwa then? What would've happened if Akatsuki hadn't seem my budding worth? I'd been trapped, like…like some shinobi _rat_.

There is no God out there, like the Jashin-kun Hidan so passionately believes in, no higher being to grant you wishes. You have a transient life, and the moment you pick up that kunai in arms for your village you're _dead_. You mean nothing for the village because you then become nothing more than a _number_. 'Team 17 report here—oh, your explosive specialist died? Here, have another! Three'll even out the team, un!'

Goddamnit…that's what they did to _her_.

And once they've died…there is nothing for them. And ultimately, they've essential done _nothing _for the village because there's always going to be someone bigger and better. And thus another wasted shinobi life.

Why do people condemn missing-nin? Is it so hard to understand why so many shinobi defect their homes, where they've been bred to serve nothing _but _the village? It's because the system's _that _screwed up, un. Let those good little shinobi deny it all they want—they'll be dead anyway and _no one will care_.

But _I_ am a valued member of Akatsuki. And I'm doing a damn good job serving it to the fullest! I am being used, an inevitability I can't avoid simply because of my profession, but when I die, I'll do so with a smirk and laugh. Because my life was not spent uselessly, and I choose my own damn fate, un. I _chose_ my death, and I _chose_ my life.

Freedom…God, everything amounts to _nothing_ without it.

Maybe Akatsuki is similar to a hidden village. In many ways, it is. Each of its members serve as part of a whole, and it falls on each of us to make it _work_. Ironically, hidden villages function that way, but we are not blindly devoted. We are not mere tools to be cast off and forgotten in an instant. We are _Akatsuki_. And we will damn well leave a mark on this world because we're not an insignificant village with only a Kage to their name.

We are individuals and we will die as individuals. In a way, each of us _are _art. Us ragtag group of missing-nins somehow managing to pull off this crazy scheme together. We broke out of the endless, eternal cycle controlling the hidden villages. We won't simply be raised only to die a martyr's death. Who the hell would want that, un? Our lives are going to be brief, but brilliant, and we'll _force_ the villages to acknowledge us simply by existing! What regular shinobi can claim that?

Art is something that blossoms for an instant before withering away. It's a beauty that lasts for a moment. To me, the essence of art is explosions.

And that is how I force Iwagakure to acknowledge my existence. By making it blow up. Yearly.

But I still haven't done what I came here for…I think I have the 'therapy' part done. Thinking so hard always exhausts me because then I have to think about _Iwagakure and why I left_—things I want to leave be.

What's bringing me back, un? I can't stand the village, and my annual visits are dangerously close to becoming a habit, although scaring the shit out of Iwa-nin are always fun. But I think…I want to stop, un.

But to do that I really do need to sever all ties, and as far as I'm concerned I've already blown up the freaks who made my life hell here. Shame, un. So what…?

I know, of course. Frustratingly enough, even in my conscious thought I'm not very forthcoming. Coincidently, I go through this whole familiar process pretty much every year. Sad, but…what can I do?

Shrugging a little helplessly, I stood up; I hadn't realized I'd sat in my inner musings, but it was of little consequence.

Sasori-danna was in front of me.

"Deidara," Sasori impatiently drawled in Hiruko's gravely voice, "why haven't you caused a ruckus yet?"

An easy grin fell on my lips. "Sasori no danna, have some faith in me, un. I was too busy, but if you want to leave right _now_…"

"No," he said bluntly. "The last time you did that you destroyed Hiruko."

"But, Sasori-danna! Watching the results of hastily made art is a glorious thing, and if it brought about Hiruko's death than it didn't live in vain!"

Although it surely shouldn't have been possible, Sasori managed to make Hiruko's carved and permanent scowl even _fiercer._ Danna's scary. "If you define your reckless abandon with experimentation more as 'art' than the trash you usually make then you're even stupider than I thought. Are you trying to piss me off?"

"You salvaged Hiruko though, un! You've built him even stronger than before."

"Exactly, Deidara," Sasori hissed. "_Salvaged_. It took me months just to make him battle ready."

"But with the trees Ipointed out to you, Hiruko is as '_eternally beautiful_' as ever."

"Do _not_ mock Hiruko, Deidara. Or I'll kill you. And why haven't you destroyed anything yet? Hmph. Since you've somehow restrained yourself this year, it must mean you tire of _your _art and are ready to believe in mine."

I squawked in indignation. "It isn't just _my_ art—it _is_ art. It's the only art out there, Sasori-danna! An eternity of dust isn't nearly as flattering as you make it out to be, un!"

"Art is only something you can cherish and maintain with care. Your foolish definition of art never even lasts enough to be appreciated."

"That isn't true," I protested. "Iwa-nins appreciate it enough to cheer for it every year. Like fireworks, un! And I'm not going to let them down, danna!"

"You're delusional. The 'cheering' you hear is the sounds of their screams as you greet them," he intoned, seemingly bored with the conversation already. "Furthermore, your insistence on coming here every _fall_ has made their defenses predictably fortified and yet you won't come at any other time."

It's with a pout and triple blown raspberries that I acknowledge his words. "I still think it's a great welcome."

"And just what are you planning to add to your own _welcome party_, Deidara?" If Sasori hadn't managed to sound as sarcastic as possible, his puppet's sheer deadpan expression more than made up for it.

My grin broadened. He took it as a bad sign; it was.

"Sasori-danna?" I said innocently. "You know that formula that I haven't used so far?"

Even though nothing broke through Hiruko's stoic exterior, his voice held something akin to mild horror. "You wouldn't…"

Gleefully, I added, rather unnecessarily, "It's the batch made with that weird phosphorus stuff. Remember, we filched it on our last mission?"

"_Deidara_…"

"What? There's no reason _not _to use it—"

"You intend to use the very same…_untested_ clay made from something that would've killed Itachi if he were a lesser shinobi?"

"Well then," I continued cheerfully, "it's a good thing that Itachi can replace himself so quickly, un. I'm sure that burning phosphorus on skin is very painful if it drove my subordinate to immediate suicide. It looked almost as painful as _Amaterasu_, as I surely would've learned had Itachi actually been hit with some of it."

At the last thought, I snickered; I so loved to antagonize Itachi. Even if he'd been hit with some of my experiments _accidentally_, he wouldn't have been allowed to use something as fatal as _Amaterasu_ anyways. Not just because I'm another member, but because Itachi's going bat-shit blind—no sense in making it worse.

I grinned at that thought.

But Sasori only sneered. "You lose a valuable subordinate because you tried attacking Itachi, and then you praise him for it?"

"I'm not as dependent on my subordinates as you are, un," I pointed out smugly.

"And if I'm not mistaken," he drawled, "you lost yet another subordinate by poisoning him. I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to produce such a potent poison, Deidara."

"So am I, Sasori-danna," I admitted, and he was definitely glaring at me for my sheepishness, I could tell. "But the batch I want to use is of the poisonous kind, Phosphorus Style, un!"

Eying me speculatively, Sasori-danna's sudden interest was tangible. "And how," he said slowly, as if trying to play off his curiosity, but he couldn't fool me, "does that work exactly?"

"That's what I want to find out," I chirped. "So, are you going to let me play with my art, un, or not?"

"…If you die now before you're able to make poison for Sandaime Kazekage, then _I'll_ be the one to kill you. I'm going to make you into a puppet, Deidara!" Sasori threatened.

"Deal, un! But if I don't die then you have to admit—in writing!—that you think my art is _real_ art, too! Oh, oh—! And you also have to admit that you admire and enjoy my art, too, Sasori-danna!"

"_Deidara_…"

"Writing, un!" I loudly said, already pulling out a suspiciously petite drawstring pouch. "You promised, Sasori-danna! You promised!"

Immediately, he stabbed me where I stood with Hiruko's tail, but I was already up in the air, cackling. "I promise no such thing," Sasori said furiously, and I could _hear_ puppet teeth grind into one another.

I cackled again, distancing myself even further with another beat of my bird's wings. This was what I was born to do—fly through the sky and drop potentially cataclysmic bombs below.

Art is a bang. And the ensuing hissing yelling clouds that erupted with the usual hazy red and orange smoke was completely worth dabbling in explosives outside of chakra and clay alone.

True to Sasori-danna's word, the cheering began. In the form of screams. Life was good.

Life was even _better_, I realized suddenly as I was chased by Anbu Black Ops, because I'd forgotten to mention to Sasori-danna that this formula actually was previously tested. And so I _wouldn't_ die since I already knew what would happen if I exploded this supposedly 'untested' clay. My next grin almost split my face.

Days later, when we finally reached Headquarters, it still hurt to smile.

Unfortunately, it also hurt to walk, talk, and eat, too, un. Sasori-danna had figured out rather quickly that the bet was null from the start. Which was bad since we had to go through some mountains to get back home, and that definitely didn't help his mood none. Hiruko-chan doesn't like mountains.

Sasori-danna is rather impatient for a near immortal. And he especially hated it whenever I was the one making him wait.

He'd been waiting for me to die, it seems.

Flattering that he'd consider me puppet material; there was nothing more he loved than his puppetry. However, I rather liked living and breathing, thanks. At least he wasn't _too_angry—Sasori-danna actually looked pretty happy for someone who'd just seen and liked my _trashy_art.

Obviously, he was happy that poison that potent was effectively his now, but he could have at least complimented me for it, un! The poison looked _that_ much better delivered through a clay bird medium! He liked my art! A lot! He was really impressed with my performance. I know he was!

But I never got any of that in writing, un. I was sad when we'd reached our hideout with nothing to show for my injuries.

"Waah! Sasori no danna's so mean to me, un," I mock-sobbed piteously to my good friend Kisame. Itachi was, thankfully, not part of our welcoming committee. Not that danna cared much; he rolled his eyes at my dramatics, and shuffled past Kisame without a greeting. How_boorish_, danna.

Kisame poked me with a friendly sneer. "You should have known better, Deidara. What'd you do this time…blow up Sasori-san?" Over his shoulder, he jeered, "Hey, Sasori-san! Did he blow you up again?"

Sasori's answering glare made Kisame bark with laughter.

"Hey!" I shrilled, bouncing on my feet. "I didn't blow up danna, un! It was just the one time!"

"_Deidara_," Sasori hissed. "Did you forget already? Prepare it for me or I'll kill you."

Sasori-danna shuffled out of sight, an irate air to him that made Kisame look bemused. He turned to me, grinning. "Just how many times did he threaten you now?"

"Un…five since we left Iwa. Sasori no danna's really mean!"

"Uhuh. And did he threaten to make you into a puppet again?"

I sniffed pathetically. "Kisame!"

Chuckling, Kisame patted me on the head like a child and I pouted at him for it. "So, just what could the great Sasori of the Red Sands want from a crazy Iwa-nin?"

Plastering a smile on my face, I ignored the inadvertent reference to Iwa. "Muu…Sasori-danna won't admit how much he liked my newest art, un. I tested out my poisonous clay on Iwa and now danna wants the poison without the clay!" I sniffed. "What a waste!"

His smile turned wry. "I never would have believed Sasori-san would be reduced to getting poison from _you_. He's actually interested, eh?"

"Yup!" I chirped, 180 turnabout attitude at full blast. "Thought danna would've liked seeing that batch than the one I almost got on Itachi."

"Damn. So that's why Itachi-san looked pissed."

Perking up, I exclaimed, "You mean I actually got some on him?"

"No, brat. But I suggest you don't try it again. Itachi-san's a pain in the ass when he wants to be."

Laughing, I waved away his concerns. Not that they were too sincere; Kisame was grinning again, sharp teeth all exposed.

"Did you finally do what you've wanted to do this year?" Kisame looked thoughtful now, and there was only a slight sneer on his face. But then, there's always a sneer on his face, so I wasn't too bothered. I froze at his question, though, at the insinuation behind it, until I remembered something else.

Kisame already knew.

I relaxed. I'd forgotten about that.

Kisame's the only other Akatsuki who knows remotely why I even go back every year. He just never brought it up—until now, obviously. He must be curious. I _have_ been going for five years now…

My smile dropped. "No," I admitted slowly. "I was a coward again…un."

He sighed. "Meh. Coward or not, did you at least have some fun? I haven't seen Sasori-san look this distracted in awhile. It must have been quite the explosion to make the bastard this eager."

Feeling a quip in my throat, most likely at danna's expense, I felt my mood rise as I started to recount my trip. Kisame responded here and there, seemingly genuinely interested; it must've been because I've never used a poison component in my clay before.

That's what I like about Kisame. He's the only one I can have a _real_ conversation with around here, un.

But he's not Sasori-danna. Sasori-danna, with his eloquent silences and subtleties in his posture that I really need to pay attention to catch, or even the slight nuances of Hiruko's expression. Sasori-danna, with his caustic words and searing replies. All his impatience and short temper. I don't see Sasori-danna himself much anymore…he likes Hiruko too much, un.

I don't _see_him anymore.

At one point I must have trailed off in my speech because now Kisame had an amused expression.

"W-what?" I said. Missing-nins don't _stutter_, but he was starting to _stare _at me.

Suddenly, his blank face was overcome by a _grin_. _Another _grin. A _sly_ grin. _He knows something, un! _But what? What, what?

"What?" I demanded. I squinted suspiciously at him when he didn't reply, his cheerful leer his only answer.

"Maa, maa, Deidara-kun…" I was instantly on alert; a Kisame playful enough to add an honorific to my name was an occasion that was far and in between but never a good thing. "…Since when are you so taken with Sasori-san, hm?"

_What_?!

"What!" I squawked out for the third time today. "I'm not—! _Kisame_!"

Snickering, he patted me on the head again. I met this action with a scowl instead of the pout from earlier.

"But seriously, kid, don't get so hung up on Sasori-san." The former Kiri-nin was grimacing now. "That guy…he'd cut you off quicker than you can gawk at another one of your explosions. You're a liability to him."

"I know."

"You know the risks, Deidara," Kisame warned. "Don't get too close. You won't like how the story ends."

"I know." I grinned. "I'm not stupid, Kisame. I know Akatsuki owns my ass, and Sasori no Danna is a bastard, yeah, but I like him. I can't help it, I like him."

"Have it your way," he shrugged, "but don't be surprised when the guy up and leaves you to die on a mission. It's Sasori-san's way. I don't want to come back and find out you're dead because you were stupid enough to fall behind, all right, kid?"

"Oh, you'll know when I'm dead, un," I replied. "If I'm going to die, I'll do it with a bang. Look to the skies, yeah?"

* * *

Past and present tense will be changed accordingly, but it'll never consistently stay in one tense. It may be aggravating, but what I'm going for in each chapter is a mesh of streaming thoughts because each chapter is an introspective piece of Deidara's head. Next chapter is titled "Worth" which is over 10000 words, unedited.


	2. Worth

Execution's a bit messy and the thought process is almost all over the place. Lots of moody, broody Deidara and Sasori acts a little off kilter towards the end. 

**Summary**: Deidara was almost killed by his own partner's poison due to his own stupidity. 

* * *

Thinking on it, Iwagakure sure is a secretive little village, isn't it? True, all villages are like that…but to the extreme degree Iwa made itself out to be? No. Ironic that hidden villages like Konohagakure exist, but for all its power it's still pretty open, un.

When Sasori-danna and I were traveling through Wind Country I picked up some local slang. 'Tree-huggers,' un. Derogatory phrases like that circulated pretty freely when the last Kazekage reigned. Before all that bad Orochimaru crap at the Chunnin Exams. Hmph. I heard a rumor recently that Yondaime Kazekage's murder was executed by Orochimaru, _who was in league with Akatsuki_.

Not true! Not true, un! Before Suna tags all of Orochimaru's freaky shit on Akatsuki, may they be reminded that we _kicked him out_? Un…technically, it was _Itachi_ who did that, but who cares. Little details! What matters is Sasori-danna's methods are way too similar to be cool. Yeah, they were partners and crap, and that stupid Snake Sannin rubbed off him all the wrong ways, but, but…!

Okay, yeah, I'm jealous. Not of Orochimaru! I like to think that I'm relatively normal, un. But…whenever Sasori-danna gets really fed up with me, he tells me that on those days he'd rather have his old partner back! How can I _not_ go spastic, un? Sasori-danna prefers Orochimaru-teme to _me_!

Hearing him say that after the the blown-to-hell Chunnin Exams invasion occurred only several months ago made me realize….Well, fine, so what if I'm not some big shot Sannin? I'm just an ex-Iwa-nin with a thing for explosions, and I can't pull off crazy ass jutsus like stupid Orochimaru can. Yeah, I can fly and all, and I do make things go _boom _really well, but before Sasori-danna and I formed _some_ kind of teamwork I kept damaging his puppets and, and…!

Then Sasori-danna smacked me. Said I was being really, really stupid. Which I was…but I just don't like the guy! He's creepy. Creepy as hell, un. And, really, looking at it realistically, Orochimaru can kick my ass any day. 

Hmph. My only consolation is that I heard the Sandaime Hokage did something to Orochimaru and now he can't use jutsus. Sasori-danna's spy…Kabuto, is it? Never did like that little snit. He confirmed that Orochimaru's arms were out of commission few months ago. Don't know about now and don't care—I don't like keeping tabs on the freak. I'll leave _that _to Sasori-danna. Now I feel sorry for me. 

Several hours ago we encountered Anbu from Suna. While it was Sasori-danna who was mainly the target, they still brushed me off as if I weren't a threat! Pissed me off, un, and I showed them that! Sasori-danna insisted that he was fine on his own, and we _had_ made arrangements beforehand that if we should encounter some of his old countrymen to let him handle it, but I couldn't take those stupid Anbu's dismissal! It was Iwagakure all over again…

Damn it, Sasori-danna even attacked _me_at one point to make me stay away from the fight! No explanations, no warning, just—BAM—I'm hit with Hiruko's tail and I narrowly manage to dodge, but after that I pretty much got the point, un. I conceded to playing the 'sniper' like I _always _do; safe and high above the battle on my winged creation. But I knew it wasn't enough—Sasori-danna _needed_ me, but at the same time he was rejecting my help!

I didn't understand.

Did he doubt my abilities? He couldn't have, un. Sasori-danna trusts me! We know each other limitations so well we're able to cover for each other seamlessly in battle—me being long range, and him being short range. He could move easily to the side as soon as I let loose a bomb, and I'd easily duck away from his shot projectiles if an enemy got a little bit too close. It was rough in the beginning…especially when we weren't exactly friendly with each other, and any chance at teamwork between us would've been shot to hell if that one mission didn't force us to change the way we fought. After that, though…we worked as well as Kisame and Itachi, un!

Admittedly, Kisame always follows Itachi's lead, which is probably _why _that partnership works so well, and the dynamics in our own team were pretty similar…

Could you really blame me, un, when I ignored Sasori-danna's orders again when I saw him being played right into a clever Anbu trap?

As I was in the air sniping off Anbu—unsuccessfully—I saw that Sasori-danna didn't really need my help at all. He was fighting flawlessly, and Hiruko was doing an excellent job at protecting its master, much to the Anbu's frustration. I think at one point I was even _enjoying _myself, watching him fight as well as he always did, and I slowly felt that tension drain from me. It was _fun_.

Who was I kidding, un? Sasori-danna, taken down by some measly Anbu? I was probably just more so on guard because Suna Anbu was more likely to be able to counter Sasori-danna's puppetry more effectively than, say…Konoha-nins. And I was right; not that that was able to save most of them. They kept dropping like flies. And to me, someone who'd literally took to the skies to fight from above, yeah…they kept dropping like flies. It made the battle kinda like watching a movie, un. 

My skills weren't necessary after all, I realized. It was then that I relaxed. "What can two Anbu do to Sasori-danna now?" I thought. I was absently molding clay without any intention of using it, since I figured at that point there really was no need for me to fight anymore.

But that was the thing about being in the sky: You could see _everything_.

The two Anbu I mentioned earlier? The ones I'd already dismissed as dead? Turned out they'd been frantically setting a trap for my amused danna, who didn't seem to realize it at all!

I admit it. I panicked. Something even_ washed up _shinobi knew: Don't Panic Ever, un.

And then I did something incredibly stupid.

Danna was being merrily led into a trap, none the wiser, and in those two shinobi's movements I saw a teamwork born, not only from sheer grit and practice, but out of desperation as well. A desperate shinobi is not a happy shinobi, and that's when they tend to do the craziest shit in their careers. And I gotta say…however masterful their hastily made trap was, it was the kind of insane genius you'd only get _through_ sheer desperation, un. Supernatural inhumane strength. Crazy.

But that wasn't all I saw. In those Suna Anbu I saw a level of teamwork that Sasori-danna and I could _never_ ever have. A bond, I realized, that far exceeded what pitiful teamwork we actually had. A teamwork based solely on trust and love, desperation driving both shinobi to fight for each other so that the only one could live. A kind of ruthless, last ditch effort they threw their all into, in a battle that would've most likely been their last. 

They weren't just teammates. They were _friends_, un. Best friends placed on the same squad, only to be the last ones standing in the same squad. And for what? To have allowed two notorious S-class missing-nins to escape with their lives? For an entire Anbu squadron to be demolished by a single shinobi who was once one of their own?

Live together, fight together, _die _together. They, at last, positioned themselves perfectly for a flawless attack that would've immediately killed an absent, lesser shinobi.

Sasori-danna was neither an absent nor lesser shinobi, but he'd been fighting this whole time, and we'd been traveling for _weeks_ without rest from our last huge battle. He was not at his best because I already knew he'd gone through most of Hiruko's arsenal, pulled off every despicable, backhanded puppet trick he could think of, and though Sasori-danna could never become _tired_ I swore I saw his movements become slow.

The Anbu naturally pounced on his weakness, sensing the end. Meanwhile, I was in the air, slowly being rendered shock at the conclusion that I was coming to. That—that Sasori-danna could _die_. And suddenly I was freaking out, more afraid than I was when I was surrounded by _my _own countrymen. 

You know that incredibly stupid thing I did? It was an urging in my head that screamed for me to tear that bond apart, to save Sasori-danna, and to prove that _just because I was a missing-nin didn't mean I didn't care about my teammates either_.

Throwing myself off my bird to let gravity do its work in bringing me closer to the battle than my flying ever could, I flung my already active clay at them, letting the unsuspecting and _startled_ Anbu have a taste of my technique. I was furious because I thought they completely ignored me as a component in their hasty trap planning. I thought, _How dare they mock Sasori-danna, how dare they mock me, how dare they mock what we have together by thinking I'd not come to Sasori-danna's aid!_

Right at the same time Sasori-danna had triumphantly let loose some poisonous fumes in their faces.

With me stupidly caught up in my own partner's attack.

Some teamwork, un.

Of course, by now it must have been obvious to what Sasori-danna had been doing. He was not weakening, he was not going to _die_. He saw right through their trap and, free from all distractions (me) and inhibitions (me), he pulled an even _better _counterattack. I'd stupidly forgotten all about his _poison_ arsenal, having only been distracted by his extreme loss of weaponry, just like the Anbu were. That's not...art, though. I had completely regarded the rest of his art!

Turning their trap against them by making their trap into _his_ trap, he'd allowed himself to be 'caught,' all the while working off of the extreme stress they were under, and taking advantage of the foolish panicked desperation that clouded their minds. 

He'd been unhindered by exhaustion, while those two Anbu were the only survivors of a near hour long battle. He also was unhindered by those 'petty' human emotions that was making them panic so much towards the end of the fight, which led to their deaths. He'd masterful stayed in control of the entire battle, from start to finish. 

The only variable that was out of place in his 'Perfect Plan' was me.

Rather than trying to work out how to make me a _part_ of this 'Perfect Plan' of his, he stuck steadfastly to the strategies and tactics he'd been undoubtedly been forming the entire day ever since he forced me to agree to staying out of future Suna-nin battles. 

Every variant was tightly controlled, every attack was carefully calculated, and, hell, I bet Sasori-danna even thought of all the possible outcomes that could come from all the different situations he'd come up with beforehand! The only thing he couldn't predict was me!

So he took the choice from out of my hands and kicked me out of the fight from the very start.

And so, when his useless partner was _supposedly_ far away enough from interfering in his grand master plans, who should come in at the very end to screw it all up, un?

Me.

I guess…what the real issue I keep rambling on and on about is am I not good enough, un? I know I'm not a Sannin…I _know _I'm not some former-Kage-turned-puppet—I _know _all that, okay? I know I'm not some supped up S-class shinobi that can kick ass on the fly like _stupid, stupid Itachi_! Yeah, Iwagakure slapped on me the S-class label, but I'm _not_. I was considered a genius in Iwa, but what about in Konoha, huh? The Land of the Freakin' Genii?

I'm not like Itachi, who has an ultra cool, super, _beautiful_ bloodlimit. His arrogance is justified because he's so _fucking_ smart, and he doesn't even need to lift a finger to kill someone! He just has to _look_ at them for fuck's sake! His Mangekyo Sharingan was able to defeat me instantly, but he _chose _not to kill me! What do I have, huh? Just these dumb hands that I_ shouldn't even have_!

Kisame, who's jealous of my good looks and flirty abilities, _shouldn't be_! Just because his skin is a charming shade of blue...My entire chakra probably wouldn't even be able to fill up _one_ of his mizu kage bunshins, un! And, he has that big ass Samahada! And even then, even _that_ can suck up even _more_ chakra for its master! And me—all I have in terms of sporty equipment is some stupid scope crammed into an eye socket! An _experiment_, mind you—fuck, I'm a walking, talking _experiment_!

And what about Sasori-danna, un? How can I even compare myself to him? Why was I even paired up with him? Why did Sir Leader choose _me_ to replace Orochimaru—_why me_? Sure, I hate the guy…but wouldn't it make sense to give Sasori-danna a _stronger_ replacement? A _stronger _partner? Or is Sasori-danna just _so_ powerful that Sir Leader thought that even my weaknesses wouldn't be able to hinder the great Akasuna no Sasori?

Well, he was right. He is. Sasori-danna is. He doesn't need me, un, he….What was I thinking? Partners? Teammates? Yeah, he puts up with me, and he really held himself back from killing me when we were first paired up so I guess I should be thankful since I'm still _alive _and all, but….Friends?

Are we even friends?

We are…right? Sasori-danna, he doesn't really think of me as worthless, right? I mean, un…sure we work well together, but after that last fight now I'm not so sure. And we do have a Kisame-Itachi thing going, where I listen to Sasori-danna because, duh, he's my _danna,_ but unlike Kisame, I don't actually follow his orders most of the time…un. Wait, _orders_? Since when did I start thinking about our teamwork as me just _following orders_?

When did I start doubting our relationship so much? Why am I even_ questioning _it? We're Akatsuki, right? Bad ass terrorist organization and all, we've got an image to keep. And, yeah, I understand the whole 'holding hands' part is definitely not entailed in our resumes and definitely not welcomed here either, un. 

So…why am I getting so worked up? It should have been obvious, after all, that we're nothing more than missing-nins banding together for a common goal. I shouldn't even be this upset! After all, I didn't leave Iwa only to go join another village of any sorts, even if it's in the form of Akatsuki. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up—sorta. But when I decided to break off of Iwa and work independently as a terrorist bomber, at the very least I knew that life then wasn't going to become all smiles and roses, flowers and sunshine crap. Even if life in Iwa wasn't all smiles and roses, either, come to think of it. But it was going to become _harder_, I knew.

It's just…_Sasori-danna_. We've worked for three years now and that should be enough to be _some_ basis for some trust, I'd imagine. But when he goes off and pulls a stunt like this, what else am I supposed to think? And we all know that a genius like him don't make mistakes…un. What the hell is Akatsuki if I just follow orders blindly, huh? It's Iwa all over again!

No. Not Iwa. Iwagakure never hurt this much. I didn't allow those bastards to, so since when have I let my guards down around Akatsuki? What made _them_ so special? 

Is it because they let me freely use my art? Well, hell, that's why I liked being a terrorist bomber after ditching Iwa, and Akatsuki didn't change my life a whole lot in that aspect. But even in the name of art, I wasn't going to _expose_ myself to the degree I already had. I can't possibly think of what else is keeping me here, un. After all, didn't Sasori-danna just tell me, basically, to stay out of an _entire battle_?

Morosely, I remember the end of said battle. What little of it I can, anyways. After I'd foolishly jumped into his very clever poison attack, there's not much to say….I jumped out of the poisonous fumes as fast as I could, chakra propelling me all the while holding my breath, but I didn't take into account that skin contact was _also _a no-no. Not that I could complain at that point as I was a little too busy jumping for my life.

Poison that can and will kill you upon breathing, while making the skin unbearably irritated at the same time? Wow, Sasori-danna's a real bastard in that he could go jerk off in one of his own attacks while people are screaming around him in agony and not feel a single damn thing. Even the jerking. Is he even equipped for that sort of thing…? 

Well, in any case, the skin irritant, I guess, is _supposed _to force a shinobi to inhale simply because screaming seems to be the only irrational way to play off the pain.

Very clever, danna. Too bad I was stuck in it, too, un.

My fault, of course. It simply can't be _Sasori-danna's_, after all.

One good thing did come out of my stupidity. My birds exploded before I could die from the poison, clearing away the fumes. The two others caught in the same attack as me were not as fortunate, which I'm still damning them for because if they had _lived _at least then Sasori-danna's full attention wouldn't be placed on me immediately.

No…thinking on it now, if those two had managed to survive the attack that I ended, however accidentally, then he would've been even more pissed, un. Oh, good that they died just then, huh?

Still didn't make the ensuing fight any less painful, though. Sorry, did I say fight? A fight implies that there are active participants actively trying to hurt the other in a two-way battle, whether through words or actions. What _really _happened was after Sasori-danna fished out an antidote for my dying skin, _then _he started smacking me around. And yelling at me. Lots of yelling. How many times did he threaten me then? How many times did he berate me for my stupidity? I'd lost count.

And that's when Sasori-danna, grumbling and already turning to shuffle away, brought up Orochimaru.

"_This would've never happened had Orochimaru been here."_

His exact parting words were to compare me to Orochimaru. _Orochimaru_. What, I'm not good enough as Orochimaru's replacement? 

Apparently not. And, _damn it_, I know that!

Now I'm traveling, alone, miserable and cold, un. I'm miles away from Headquarters, and I'm steadily approaching Wind Country borders. It's nighttime and _damned_ if the desert isn't freezing my ass off right now.

I miss my danna. I want my danna back, un. But I don't think he wants me, not when he treats me like I'm nothing but a nuisance and ditches me half way across the desert. Which shouldn't really be a big deal…but it's the _ditching_ that's really bothering me, un. 

But I'm still Akatsuki. And I'm in it for life. And you don't go join Akatsuki if you're going to cry about being left behind and simper in some sand…dune. Or whatever. Just like you don't just _leave_ Akatsuki like you leave a village. Betraying a village is…well, not that hard, actually. And even the troublesome crap you have to deal with after becoming a missing-nin isn't too difficult to overcome, if a pain. But Akatsuki…

Well, like it or not, I'm in it for life. I'm not quite willing to have everybody out for my blood, heart, head, or life…which are the _only_ reasons why my 'comrades' would turn on me. And so, like someone befitting Akatsuki's stellar reputation, I'm going to pick myself off this miserable ground and march off to Mountain Country, un!

What I really want is to just sulk some more, though. Hopefully, danna won't be waiting for me _too _long. For one thing, he hates waiting, and there is a small chance he _is_ waiting for me at our nearest rendezvous point. Unlikely. Maybe.

Another thing…if danna waits too long, he might just go on to Headquarters to report to Sir Leader that I'm trying to ditch the organization—which I'm _not_. And then I'll become a missing-nin among…missing-nins. Haha. Un.

Would Sasori-danna really do that? Heartlessly rat me out to the others because I annoy him _that much_? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. But what, what am I thinking? Of _course_ he would do just that...he's a freakin' wood and wire construct! Not...someone...with my feelings in mind.

You can't deny that I don't make it a life's mission to perk up my annoyance skills, though—would he really count that against me? Probably, un. Looking at my chances now, I'd say my prospects aren't looking good. At all.

Which is bad, un. Really, really bad. Because just when I started getting comfortable with my would-be kidnappers, forcing me into the organization from the beginning and all, I go through some deep, not-so-philosophical thinking and now aren't too happy with my peers at the moment. Which is, again, bad. 

I_belong_ here. I belong in Akatsuki! I'm not…cut out to be a loner. I _need_ people around me—I crave acceptance and human interaction. I am most definitely not a hermit! I just…want acknowledgment. I am not useless. I'm not! 

I…I'm _cheerful_, un, but that brightens up a dark, gloomy Akatsuki day, doesn't it? And—and _Kisame_…who's going to listen to him bitch and moan about Itachi and join in on the bashing? What about Hidan? There can't just one _one _fanatic in Akatsuki—even if I don't believe in that ridiculous Jashin-kun, and he could care less about art. At least we both understand each other!

And Kakuzu and Zetsu. I need someone to whine about my destructive habits—I practically throw money down the drain, and Sir Leader doesn't allow plotted plants around HQ anymore because then _Zetsu_ gets all winded up when I uproot dirt for clay. And what's going to happen to…to danna? Doesn't he need me? Doesn't anyone need me?

Even if…I'm just that crazy bomb-happy kid everybody likes to make fun of? After all, everyone's so _fixated _on the fact that I look effeminate and _young_. Gads, why can't they make fun of Itachi instead? He _screams_ feminine! But that's right—he's _Itachi_. Of _course_ no one's going to make fun of him!

Is it such a crime to be wanted and respected, un? I'm not that kid from Iwa anymore. I don't have to take this bullshit. I don't need to go through any of this crap. My life wasn't supposed to _complicate _from leaving, un! But that's all that's happened ever since I'd taken up terrorist bombing, hasn't it? Needy, greedy bastards—my clients _sucked_! All they did was bitch and whine about my work, my _art_. If all they did was complain then why did they hire me in the first place, un?!

Because I was the only decent terrorist bomber in the business…? _Goddamn,_ I didn't _ask_ for these hands! Besides, who the hell would go into the bombing business if all they could scrounge up were explosive tags and kunai…? Damn right I was the best!

Hmph. In those days I did whatever the hell I wanted. I got to practice my art and live somewhat comfortably, as much as a missing-nin could. Easy pay, easy lays. If I wanted to spice things up, I'd double cross my employer if I knew they were planning to double cross _me_. It'd be like...a quadruple cross. It was even more fun when I did it to idiots who actually believed my stupid promises—should've read the fine print! And if a client was willing to cough up a little special, I'd introduce them to my C-batch formulas, which are extra nice. A lot more effective than your simple _explosive tags—_I mean, honestly. 

Then there were those people who wanted a special _something _for the occasion—me being the hired help, of course. These guys wanted something a little more serviceable than a big blast. Simple jobs like dropping a bomb over a compound doesn't cut it for these men, oh no. They wanted to give off a _very _big sign to their enemies saying, "Fuck you, I _own_ you, bitch, un...!!" in which a little creativity and sneakiness didn't hurt. Not at all, un.

In those days, work and pleasure were constantly intertwined. Life was good, but after Iwa-Hell, _anything_ would've looked good. Such a job was relieving, and even if it was kinda solitary, as you couldn't really hold anything other than one night stands, I liked it. But other than sex, women didn't really interest me much, so it wasn't too much of a problem.

As expected, my reputation grew and suddenly I served a very specific clientele—but Akatsuki definitely _weren't _on that list, un.

And then I was drafted. Bah.

Brooding about my worth isn't going to do anything for me right now, though. My goal…didn't I resolve to be one of the most feared Akatsuki members? What happened to that drive, that sheer grit and determination? I'm one of the cockiest members under Sir Leader's command because I _earned _it, damn it! Just one fight…just one fight _can't _reduce me to, well…_this_!

It was a mistake, un. A stupid, idiotic mistake worthy of my apparent blondness. And Sasori-danna…hasn't killed me _yet_. I'm still alive right now, though, aren't I? If he really thought so little of me he would've just let me die back there, maybe even in his poison cloud. Maybe. Because Sasori-danna could've easily just have withheld the antidote or let me _ruin_ his stupid 'Perfect Plan' from the start and wait to get myself killed before wiping out those Suna Anbu, ignoring my death. Maybe.

He calls me a brat. A whelp. And, yeah, everyone else, too…but they also used to call me _worser _things before I wrangled their respect and attention. And if they were only towards my art, fine—it's _my _art, anyways. So they really are, indirectly, paying attention to me, un.

Once I got over my love-hate conflicted feelings for Akatsuki, I actually started having fun. It was…a change. A forceful change I didn't want initially, but turned out to be even better than I expected.

In Akatsuki, I quickly learned, I got to work my art on an even greater scale than I had before. I could test out my bombs and new formulas with ease in some backwater country, and no one would give two-shits about it. 

Akatsuki has contacts I could've only dreamed of as a terrorist bomber, and not to mention the sheer amount of resources it has and the power it holds. And don't listen to Kakuzu, but money's pretty much a given—in fact, it's damn near steady, un. 

A comforting thing since steady pay wasn't guaranteed to me before because lots of times I had snarky clients who wanted to off me as part of 'hiding their trail' agenda or simply refused to give up the cash. The ones I grew to like had the sense to pay me beforehand, knowing that I love blowing things up too much to give up the opportunity and so their supposedly foolish investments were assured. They did their _homework_, un, and I loved them for it. The rest are the bastards I mentioned before who insisted on paying afterwards but then never did. Lot of good it did for them; they all ended up _dead_. Should've known better, those idiots.

Back then, even with the money and some satisfactory and many not-so-satisfactory clients, my relations were strained. Nearby towns accepted my presence as an inevitable bane and demanded Iwagakure to do something about their missing-nin problem. Which only caused stress on poor me. With Akatsuki, though…I not only had protection from just simple admission, I commanded instant respect and reverent fear. Very handy things to have when you want things done. I'm not above petty bullying, after all—let the lesser underworld organizations do the menial work that would be utterly demeaning to _Akatsuki._

But what I loved most about Akatsuki when I first started liking it…was the appreciation. The acknowledgment of my skills, and the expertise in my field. Explosive specialists, good ones, are few and in between because the nearest thing to one is a seal specialist, but where are you going to get one of _those_? Few have developed such an effective ninjutsu as mine, albeit made even easier with my hands. But I can confidently say I'm the best. Art is a bang, un. And the world knows it, too, ever since I joined.

People like me are _rare_, un. And Akatsuki has _me_.

So I guess…I am wanted. I may not be downright thanked anymore by Sir Leader, who chooses instead to commend me for a job well down. And I may have ended up with a reputation where the others think I'm an joke that won't die and would sooner compliment my art than stay still long enough for Hidan to convert them, but I still can see they're impressed on occasion. No one in Akatsuki has the sheer_ power_ my art has behind them, not when Sir Leader's looking for mass destruction.

I'm unique, un, among the freaks of Akatsuki. I think I should be flattered. I think I _am_.

I'm irreplaceable, as long as I don't majorly piss off the higher ups too much, which is confined only to Sir Leader, as far as I know. Although there have been rumors…

But, whatever. It doesn't matter, now that I've finally gotten a grip on my emotions.

Honestly, Sasori-danna always claimed emotions would be the death of me one day, but…I _like_ where I stand. I like waking up every morning, knowing that I'm not waking up to another day as your average shinobi, that I'm not expected and forced to hide away my feelings as if they're a thing to be ashamed of because...because that just sucks, un.

Don't underestimate me just because I can care. At least I'm not as transparent as those _tree-huggers_, though. They not only wear their hearts on their sleeves, they flail them around for everyone to see! I understand that Sandaime Hokage was quite the benevolent Kage and I once had the misfortune of fighting this 'Will of Fire' of theirs, but did they have to advertise themselves so much? As much as I'd love to blow Itachi to Kingdom Come, un…I have to agree with him that Konoha-nins are quite foolish.

I wonder if they'll change under new leadership. Doubtful, but Konoha has a tendency of shipping out powerful shinobi. Unfortunately, for all their bravado, they'll always be rendered vulnerable if only for their excitable emotions. Even I have the sense to know that, even if I don't entirely believe it.

Un. I guess Sasori-danna really was right in insulting me when he said emotions'll be the death of me one day. Then again, Sasori-danna _did_ grow up on disdain for Konoha, especially since Konoha and Suna were bitter enemies during the Great War and blah blah blah. Really, I don't really pay much mind to what vestiges of nationalism is left in Sasori-danna, if any. But he does bring up a good point…cutting off emotions does remarkably well for raising shinobi statistics.

Take Uchiha Itachi, for example; hailed as a genius in his home village and managed Anbu squadron leader at the tender age of thirteen, the guy really is a fucked up nut case in the eyes of Konoha and everyone else on this side of the sun. He, apparently, is viewed as a heartless bastard-murderer—which he is—but coming from the people he'd defected from, it's rather hypocritical of them to do so. Yeah, he killed his clan and all, even if the loss of the Sharigan was a shame, but that's not the most disturbing part—the guy is a complete blank _slate_.

Even Sasori-danna, who'd turned himself into a freaking _puppet_, has more emotional capability than Itachi does, un. And that's just plain freaky. And wrong. And just _weird_. And that's from the mouth—_mouths—_of someone who can claim he's got two sets of them to feed. Not that I do. Really. I mean, where would the food _go_?

And I do mean to say, knowing the freakishness of my own body, that I believe Itachi is a _freak_. Maybe even a fellow one. Hell, wasn't I just saying that Akatsuki's full of freaks, un?

How Kisame can stand him is beyond me. Kisame is all cocky and _loud_. More confidence than I can muster up on a good day and much more boisterous than I ever could be. Brash, too. Let's not forget brash. In a morbidly fascinating way those two go well together. A match made in hell, un!

But Kisame has no emotional attachments. What ever is left of them remains with the Seven Swordsman of the Mist, which is pretty much none. He does remarkably well in battle and whatever losses he receives he makes up for it in sheer brutality in the next fight, as if to vent. He likes Itachi well enough, un. Sometimes he comes by to, yes, bitch and rant. Or at the very least _complain_. Kisame needs some sort of outlet every now and then or he'd go crazy with just Itachi's presence alone.

I keep him sane. How cute.

No one's my personal therapist, un. I don't think I really need one…I've a bad habit of going back to Iwagakure every year, though. I can't help myself. Maybe I really am emotionally ruled.

Is it so much of a weakness as everyone makes it out to be? Iwa didn't care, not the village I was born into. Godaime Tsuchikage was a bastard to the highest degree, and he _certainly _didn't care about us. And then there were those within Iwa…what should I say about them? I'd loved to bash them with as much pleasure as I bash Itachi, but it isn't the same. Not even close to being the same.

Itachi's…Itachi. Everyone knows I've got a grudge against him, and he could care even less, which in some aspects connects him to the people of Iwa. Otherwise, the two are completely, irrevocably different.

Contrary to popular belief, un, I don't _hate _Itachi. In fact, I don't even hate Iwagakure…much. Yeah. Alright, so I'm lying a little on the last bit. My whole aspirations of "I'm gonna be a terrorist bomber so you better be afraid that I'll blow. You. Up. Un!" was really just an icing on the cake to leaving, and not even close to being the whole bit. What really caused me to defect…is far more personal than I'm willing to admit.

Un…I do have some self-preservation instincts at all, even if Sasori-danna says differently. And I do have that innate shinobi sense after all. To try so desperately hard to hide something so cuttingly close to the heart of the matter…I guess I'm just like any other shinobi in that aspect. Because then I have no _weaknesses_. None to speak of, in any case. Shinobi detachment and numbness and...all that.

I'm as emotionally stunted as any other shinobi, you know, I just hide it better than most. I'm more open about myself after all; I don't try to hide my feelings beneath some dumb stoic facade. I am perfectly aware that I'm pretty much a failed shinobi in this aspect, but I could care less. There's no way I can claim my innocence back, pick up the civilian life and live _happily_. That's just stupid, un. There's no happy endings for us—everyone knows that. Must be why most mothers have the decency to be horrified when their little boy reveals he wants to be a shinobi. 

I know mine would've been, if descriptions were anything to go by. Normally, they wouldn't, but the source…was _quite _reliable, thank you very much. And I trusted her inexplicably. Before Sasori-danna came around, the only one I've ever trusted was her.

Truthfully, had she not wished it to happen, I would've blown up all of Iwagakure, and then some. Six years is a hell of a long time to keep a near pointless promise, but I've done it so far, so a few more can't hurt. The Iwa she knew from girlhood was one I never really came to know, anyways. It's pointless to try to justify her persistence in wrangling that promise out of me because in my mind I already knew.

Iwagakure sure is lucky as hell, un.

One of the ways she'd calm down my bouts of hysteria was to tell me stories of her girlhood, of that Iwa I never knew, of that Iwagakure she wanted to return to. Because if I could somehow hold onto the belief that my village wasn't evil, that it wasn't trying to fuck me over countless times per day…then I could be at peace. Sorta.

Little white lies, I guess, really helped my denial to seep in all nice and tight. Like a baby nicely tucked in, un. Not that I would possibly know of such a thing; my mother had the good sense to go and die as soon as possible after kicking me out of her belly.

I wouldn't want the woman who birthed me to witness horrors of the world around her. Sure, she picked the shittiest year for me to be born into, but I don't feel much bitter anymore. No point, un. Why cause a dead woman grief now? As ridiculously softhearted as it sounds, I wouldn't want to. Don't tell anybody, though—I'm vulnerable enough as it is. Wouldn't want toss out all my secrets, eh?

The proclaimed shitty year that I was born into had everything to do with politics. Mmhm, politics. I know what you're thinking and whatever it is you're assuming right now _don't_. The whole matter simply has to do with a strong desire in a change of…Kages. 

Wow. That scenario's never been used before.

Actually, on top of the civil war, two more factions were added subsequent to_ another _attempt at revolution. There were those who wanted to overthrow the current weak, complacent Tsuchikage for their more favored war hawk leader, and those who didn't want to add more chaos and confusion to the already broiling civil war. Obviously, the latter just _had _to be caught up in their self-righteous 'peace keeping' crap duties of said war, and before anyone knew it, a Godaime Tsuchikage was named.

This one though…like I said, he was a _war hawk_, un. He ended all the fighting, yeah, but he did it so _brutally_. Iwa was in deep shit, even deeper shit than the war with Konoha and then the one with themselves. After all, the only reason this guy completely stopped the civil war was to place more power on the already existing dictatorship system in the village, and then tighten more control onto his people, the ones he already held within an iron fist. No, he didn't stop the war for the good of the people, un…

He stopped it so that he could send Iwa into another war.

Yeah. Very turbulent year. Very shitty, too. Anyway, through all of this, if you can believe it, my mother got knocked up with me and was hitched to the bastard I knew as my father. In that order. Kami only knew why my father married a whore...

I've mentioned before that I don't feel embittered towards the woman who was my mother for all the remaining hours of her life after I was born, but seriously…could you get the timing any worse? Yes, feel the pity all around. 

Whatever, un. 

The point is, my bastard of a nationalistic father left me as soon as he could to go off and die for his village and the _Tsuchikage_ and blah, blah, blah, without any regards to me. Of course. Why would he even think of me, even _consider _me into his last plans? Not the unwanted kid he was shackled with. Not the kid he was forced to keep due to old fashioned honor that Godaime bizarrely kept. Haha! My old man was just like Sasori-danna in that way.

So, off Father goes and dies a heroic death—every shinobi's dream, I assure you—loosing to some random no names from a nearby minor hidden village, which is just pathetic. Little Deidei (that's me) was one of many orphaned children left running around in Iwa, generally defenseless, helpless, and left to the whims of the second major bastard in my life. Yes, the one, the only…

Godaime Tsuchikage. Un…I sure know how to pick them.

And this was where the story just got weird. And uncomfortable. And where really bad shit hit the fan. The type that made all that lovely political intrigue taking place after I was conceived look like_child's play_, in comparison. Mmhmm, war hawks. I guess that's why I don't completely begrudge old geezer Sandaime of Konoha for his peace keeping ways…Still a soft bastard, though.

Ah, angst. Don't we love it? Konoha and Iwa at a standby in a long, excruciating war that wouldn't end, all the while shinobi were dropping around the two hidden villages like flies. After the very long and drawn out Great War finally was over, Iwa promptly sped downwards into civil war—when Godaime seized control, making the whole war promptly a wasteful and insignificant gesture on Iwa's part.

What a bastard, un. He was so obsessed with power and victory over taking over one of the great shinobi villages for himself that he never considered Iwa's _problems_ from the last wars.

Which was really stupid, come to think of it. Lots of vengeful, crazy ass Konoha-nins managed to off a lot of people during this time, and vice versa. Iwa's still stinging from when the infamous Yondaime Hokage slaughtered an army of theirs. Good riddance and thanks very much, I'll say.

And then the guy went off and got himself killed, which promptly killed my respect for him. 

Was killed over sealing a _bijuu_, no less. The man thought big, for sure, but I've always thought everyone involved in the last Great War was a little more unhinged than your usual shinobi.

After all, who the hell sacrifices himself to seal _Kyuubi_ for the sake of a village anyways? Only a man unhinged from a Great War, that's who, un. Feel bad for Kyuubi—he wasn't even sealed to be used as a proper weapon at all. He was captured to save a tree-hugging nation!

Damn. That's got to hurt some ego, un. Makes me smile, actually…

But people think I don't like Konoha because of all of that crap. Stupid, really. Why should I care about old politics now? Iwa doesn't concern me, after all, much less the Great War. Yeah, back when I was a local terrorist I played a part in politics heavily, since a lot of my clients were, too. Bombs make a statement, un. And art is a bang. 

Not surprisingly though, it's been declining in stature ever since the war with Konoha, and its reputation's been pretty much shot to hell. And then civil war happened, as if Earth isn't struck by one civil war or another. And, what the hell, why was Fire always so prosperous and peaceful and _civil-war-less_ and shit? Whatever, un.

Anyway, Akatsuki isn't really interested in Iwa, not a straggling village desperate for aid. Although they do take advantage of situations whenever the need calls for it. That year was ripe for machinations because of all the warring going about. In fact, there's never an end to it all. Always fighting, always dying, always fighting, whoring, warring, soaring off to die...

And when that happens they send me, un.

I already make annual trips to Iwagakure and as it stands right now I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon. I rarely go otherwise, but sometimes Sir Leader demands it. Smart, even if it's not comfortable to me. Earth Country is massive, though Wind is a little bigger, and no one in Akatsuki knows how to traverse it better than I do. Headquarters is also located on Earth Country borders since our base is situated in a mountain, but nobody really bothers to map out the country we're in. My intelligence, apparently, is enough, un. As damn well it should be. Pein'll see to sucking my head dry of all my pretty little knowledge before I'm cast off to die, you just wait, un.

Even though I've been a little behind on the political scene, Akatsuki certainly isn't, if only for the sake of manipulating it better. I'm not bothered at all by our machinations in the capital or in the local hidden village. 

The only thing that bothers me about ordered trips to Iwa is that the visits aren't made out of my own violation. I _only_ go during autumn, and everyone knows that…un, even if they don't know really why. My job there is simple. Observe and gather intelligence and carry out orders to perform locally. After all, Akatsuki has to be somewhat interested in Iwagakure because Headquarters is in Earth, not that Iwa-nins are in any position to drive us out. I don't think they even _know _of us, un.

Earth may be one of the Five Great Countries, but even Water Country has been doing better than them, and that's saying something. Not too long ago, that area was ravaged for years by some underworld criminally inclined business tycoon. Gatou, I think? Kyuubi's jinchuuriki helped in eradicating his presence in Wave, and now the area is climbing out of the ditch they'd dug themselves in. 

Hmph. Pathetic. And Kisame agrees with me: How can a country allow itself to be captured so easily, un? He's not above having petty debates about the worth of our radically different homelands, and neither am I.

I don't like Iwa, but I do love Earth Country. I'm at home there, un. And I can deal with citizens as long as they're not actual shinobi. But there's a small, lingering sense of pride in me that is staggered at the country's extreme drop in economy, which is not helped at all by Akatsuki. It's great for us, especially since our lowered prices, mission-wise, are favorable compared to the desperate ones of Iwa, but…

I don't dare voice any complaints; I shouldn't even _have _complaints. And I honestly don't really care about Earth's decline, but it's still the principle of the being, un! In that aspect, Kisame understands me, and he _hates_ Kirigakure, but he knows very well what pride is. Pride in one's country, pride in one's village, pride in oneself, he _knew_ all those things. He was once as nationalistic as I was, and on top of being one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist he should very well know what I'm talking about.

Plus, it doesn't help that he'd occasionally throw the sneering insult at me that Water's doing quite well for itself. All in good fun, un. It's annoying to know that he's _right _though.

Sometimes, we spar, too. But we don't encounter each other much. Itachi and Kisame goes off traveling a lot, when Sasori-danna and I like to stay 'home.' Whenever we do meet, one of the first things we do is catch up, even if its in the fighting sense, un.

Last I've checked, we're at a standstill. His water-based jutsus against my earth-based ones. Kisame can totally kick my ass if we spar with only elemental jutsus, but I'm proud to say that I've often surprised him with my unorthodox methods of combining my arsenal of earth jutsus with my personal fighting style. Mainly, blowing things up, un.

But he usually wins. Most of the time I'm forced to fly when fighting him because he always cheats by flooding the area with water. It's not fair! It's still fun, though. Our styles are really different and I like how they clash, and seeing our respective jutsus cancel each other out only makes us more determined to beat the shit out of the other with said respective jutsus.

Kisame is the only one in Akatsuki who doesn't sneer when I talk about Earth in a favorable light. They don't understand. Earth and Iwa are not interchangeable, and I like the fact that Kisame can agree with me because he's the same way.

Only…he doesn't like anything about Water Country, un. His jutsu and sword are only means to an end. It's just like how I fight with clay, or insist on only going to Iwa in the fall, but they don't understand that either.

Akatsuki doesn't understand a lot about me. How I act so cheerful all the time or why I'm so fixated on my art. But…not danna. Truthfully, he doesn't even try to understand me. He doesn't peg labels onto me, and if I do something abnormally stupid in his eyes, he still doesn't treat me any differently than usual.

He knows when not to push, and I know when not to shove. Sasori-danna is special that way, un. But sometimes...it's like he expects me to fail. Maybe that's why he's never surprised when I do something abnormally stupid...

Worth…I don't know if I'm good enough—no, I _know_ I'm not good enough for danna. He doesn't need my protection, but I like to think he still needs _me_. Me, Deidara, as a person.

Who's going to challenge his view on art? Who's going to pester him and make him indulge me like a kid? Someone needs to loosen Sasori-danna up, and if it's going to be anyone it's going to be _me_. I'm still Akatsuki, I'm not _weak_. Everyone's so much stronger than me, but when it's danna who's stronger than me, I don't mind…

Because Sasori is my _danna_. And that's never going to change, un.

I still don't like Orochimaru. And I still think Itachi's dumb. Kisame's still going to be my only conversationally inclined friend, and Hidan and I are still going to go around Headquarters and rant passionately to everyone whenever we're feeling like minded enough. Or when lots of people are together at HQ. That's always fun.

There's always going to be this niggling part of my brain that calls me pathetic…but I think it should just shut it, un. I'm not weak because if I were really weak would Sasori-danna put up with me the way he does? I heard Kakuzu killed all of his previous partners just because he _could_, but if Sasori-danna was really annoyed with me he would've just shot me with poison and be done with it. Right…?

Sasori-danna is remarkably loyal to Akatsuki, but that's only because he has nothing else to do, I think. He told me once that I made his life just that much more difficult, but you know what, un? I _like_ that. I like that I can get under his wooden skin and annoy him as much as I do. Kisame wouldn't stop looking at me funny a few months after I joined, and told me it's because he's never seen Sasori-danna so _ruffled_ before.

Nobody else can do that to my danna, un.

He never told me anything about his past. Neither have I, come to think about it, and I know he's curious about the scope in my eye and the mouth on my chest.

I'm not here to _save_ anybody. I'm just a stupid kid from Iwa who likes to make things go boom. I'm content, yeah. Content as an S-class shinobi _can_be, but that's fine. I've moved from one place to another, and went through a lot of crazy stuff in this organization, but all that's allowed me to be close with my danna, un.

I shouldn't have been jealous of those two Anbu-nins. I shouldn't be. Yeah, Sasori-danna and I won't ever have that bond, but I think that's because we're _incapable_ of that sort of bond. I think those two were lovers anyway. Like I said, _not possible_.

The idea of having that level of teamwork itself is pretty nice. There's not much to improve on with Sasori-danna, though, so it's pointless to say that our work is inadequate.

We aren't Hidan and Kakuzu at least. Their fighting's all over the place, un.

It's just…I'm terrified. I don't want that to happen to us. I don't want Sasori-danna and I to be in a position where we'd have to fight like those two Anbu did. I don't ever want to see Sasori-danna's full power because than that means he's serious. I never want to be driven to that sort of desperation…because Sasori-danna's all I _have_. And me? I never want to use my greatest technique, even if it'd be the greatest art I can achieve, even if it's the type of art not even the _gods_can ignore. 

A wide, joyful smile broke out on my face. "_Sasori no danna_! Have you been waiting a long time for me, un?"

"Brat. Do you know how long I've been sitting here? It wouldn't take a whole day to leave Suna."

"Sorry, sorry! But, _dannaaa_, you left me in the desert! And I got lost twice, un." My smile was stretched taunt across my face and it felt so _fake_.

"You know the way to River Country, Deidara! You made me wait on purpose."

Such an accusatory tone, danna. I couldn't help but chirp, "No, I didn't, Sasori no danna." 

"Whatever, whelp. Anyway…the poison."

"Poison, un?"

"The poison you were hit with! Next time you try a stupid stunt like that make sure I approve of it first."

"All right."

"It's not 'all right,' you fool! If I hadn't the sense to vaccinate you when those Anbu attacked, you would've been already dead."

"W-what? But, Sasori no danna, what about the antidote, un?"

"That was just to get rid of your itch."

"That was no itch, un!"

"You're right, brat. If that was just a normal itch, you wouldn't have been ready to claw your skin off. As for the antidote…" his expression turned deadpan, "you know I make them as painful as possible. I don't _have _painless antidotes. It did nothing for your poison."

"I don't remember being treated…"

"I didn't. I vaccinated you when I first attacked." Looking exasperated at my clueless face, he bit out, "I knew that you were going to come in for my 'aid.' I planned for that to happen!"

"You knew that'd I'd do something stupid? You…Sasori no danna, you_ counted_ on it?" Before I could feel properly hurt, he snorted.

"No, brat. I was counting on you to _care_."

…_What_?

"You're predicable, Deidara," he continued quietly, shuffling past my shock still body. "It was that predictability that I knew to include in my plans."

_Wait, wait, wait—BACK UP, UN!_

"_Sasori_?" I squawked.

He stopped, a somewhat amused air around him. Yet his sigh was as long suffering as ever. "Hmph. You're trying to prove me wrong? Dropping the title from my name isn't going to do that, brat."

Mouth flapping, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I stared at him…in shock!

Even with Hiruko's back to me, I knew Sasori-danna was smirking at me from within. "Well? Don't dwaddle, Deidara. We're making Leader wait, and I hate making him wait."

Even in all my indignation, I could only muster a wailed, "Sir Leader won't mind, un! He loves me!"

"So why is it that out of the two of us he only gives assignments to me?"

"That's not _fair, _Sasori no danna!"

"Life isn't. Neither is making your partner wait longer than he should."

"Well…well, you shouldn't have left me behind!"

"You were dragging us down. Even if I continued to Waterfall, you would've caught up anyway."

"Sorry if I'm weak, un."

"Sarcasm only makes me more irate, Deidara. Did you expect me to walk you by the hand to River? It takes only several hours for that vaccine to wear off, for the poison to be eradicated, and until then you'd be forced to travel at a slower pace. How you took an entire day to get here is something I can't understand."

Feeling embarrassed and more chagrined than I was willing to admit, I fell into ready step with him, looking irritably earnest. Yes, I'm able to pull off such an expression. "So I slowed us down. Doesn't mean you can ditch me whenever you want, danna."

Sasori-danna had this air about him that screamed he disagreed.

"Come on, danna," I wheedled. "Why did you _really _leave me there? I hate Suna, un! You know that, Sasori no danna! It's too hot to be cool."

Not moments after I spoke did I have to absently dodge Hiruko's tail; I had had quite enough of being poisoned, thanks. "Well? Danna?"

"After that _fight_," the extra sneer he put into the word said otherwise, "you were utterly useless. Moping about and brooding like an angst-filled teenager, your attitude was completely disgusting. Completely unfitting of Akatsuki. Though it was my presence that apparently triggered it. Hmph. You seem normal now."

Blinking, I said, astonished, "Why, Sasori no danna, was that your way of comforting me, un?"

"What…? Idiot! What are you babbling about now?"

"It_was_," I affirmed, gleefully. "You do care! You ca-re, you ca-re!"

Angrily, he lashed out. I had to dodge his tail again.

From there, we began to bicker anew. And throughout it all, I couldn't help but be relieved that nothing had really changed. It was a vague sense of discomfort in me that caused a large lapse of silence in our travels to Waterfall, but beyond that, the silence that Sasori-danna so preferred was, instead, filled up with my blathering.

There was something about familiarities in an otherwise unstable life that gave me an incredible sense of comfort. Sasori-danna still looked out for me in that backhanded, roundabout way, I guess. His presence was soothing, and having stopped for clay on the way helped my mood a bit. Contrary to how I continued my idiotic act around him, I still was feeling largely of _something_. Then again, my ego and pride _had _been grounded down to nothing by that point, so I didn't—_tried _not to think on it.

It took a weak for someone to finally to crack. Not surprisingly, the only one who cared enough was Kisame. Probably did so out of curiosity alone. Ass.

He started by giving me a jab. "It's too quiet around here," he told me bluntly. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," I snipped back, a sour look on my face. "Don't know your own strength at times though, huh?"

He only laughed as I gave my side a ginger rub.

"But seriously, kid. Did something happen? Sasori-san's more moody than usual, and I was wondering whether you had anything to do with it…"

I snapped. "I'm not to blame for every little thing that happens around here!"

"Simply noting how down you've been." He whistled, "You haven't even given me any of those funny grunts of yours either."

"Shuddup, Fishy-chan."

"Nah. I just wanted to know why you're all beat up for being you." Silence. "Fine, I was eavesdropping when Leader saw you. Still, it pisses me off when you're being prissy for no reason."

"Ah," he nodded emphatically. "So you've finally convinced yourself you're utter shit. Congrats and all, kid, but you're not the only one. Get off your broody ass and go talk some sense into your partner. I'm sure I'm right when I say that he's all irritated because of you."

"Because I'm a moron to the highest degree, I know. I can't do anything for danna—when _isn't_ he mad at me?"

Rolling his eyes, Kisame snorted. "Listen, kid. I can't believe I have to spell this out for you, but _why_ he's irritated has to do with some weird logic of his that has him convinced that it's his fault you can't pick up the slack." Bristling, I was about to retort, but he beat me to it. "Can you even hear me? Ugh, why do I have to play psychiatrist? Whatever is going around in your head about your supposed inadequacy, forget it, you idiot. You've somehow got _Sasori-san_ all worried about you. Need I say more?"

Ignoring my stunned look, he shoved my gaping figure at the wall behind me. Though I cringed, it never occurred to me to _move_, but I didn't have to; instead, I hit something that was distinctly_not_a wall. Hands griped my shoulders from behind, and I, the poor fool, could only bite out a wild, "Sa…Sasori no danna?"

"Deidara," he voiced smoothly. "The day you have _Kisame_ of all people analyze me is the day you should realize you're being quite silly."

"Danna…?" Feeling rather confused, I couldn't do much but stare ahead at Kisame's grinning countenance.

"It's occurred me, Deidara, that you've been jumping to conclusions and blowing things greatly out of proportion. I, however, after having my suspicions confirmed and discussed with…Kisame, decided that you're in need of a 'realty check' as, again, Kisame puts it so lightly."

"_Eh_?!"

"Come." Sasori-danna released me, walking without even looking to see if I would follow. He knew I would. That didn't mean I wouldn't be confused as hell.

Kisame saw my lost expression, and shot me a snarky grin. "Well?" He motioned towards the hallway Sasori-danna disappeared to. "Go on then. Shoo."

My response was to give said hallway a wary glance. Curiosity urged me to go after him, but he had this weird look in his eyes…

I shrugged. It didn't really matter anyways. What did danna want?

My answer came in the form of a courtyard.

Not knowing _why_ Sasori-danna decided to lead me outside, I meandered around, wondering what was going on. It didn't take long for me to find out.

Gaping, I took in the figure before me, not quite believing what I was seeing. 

There Sasori-danna stood, cloak fluttering at his feet, metal wings outstretched and drench in poison for all to see. I couldn't do anything but stare, partly in awe—he _never_ took off his cloak!—but mostly in fear.

For danna to show himself like this…_what was going on?_

Even Kisame, who had been casually following me, stopped short at what he saw. His low whistle was the only sound out here. Even the birds native to Earth, the ones I grew to model and love, were silent. And I could practically _feel_ his raised brows.

Sasori-danna had this look reminiscent to a crazy man who'd just been pushed to extremes. I imagine he didn't go out near naked much. Once, I'd poked and prodded Hiruko trying to figure out _what Sasori was_, but it didn't take me awhile to realize that he was a puppet user. That tail was always a curiosity to me, even more so when I figured out it was made up of metal plates.

Old grandpas just _didn't_ walk around with heavy, extendible metal tails.

Before today, I had only seen Sasori-danna's true form twice. Both were times I didn't exactly want to remember. The last time I saw his true form, he wasn't exactly using it for battle. It was as mundane as stripping off his mangled, ruined robes for disposal and changing into a new one. The only reason why I wanted to forget that time was the look in my danna's eyes as he tore off his Akatsuki cloak. He looked like he wanted to badly mangle the person who'd badly mangled him. Anger, with a fine veneer of bloodlust; _no one_ forced Sasori-danna to reveal himself from Hiruko other than himself, much less his_ real body. _That shinobi died messily, un.

Danna scares me sometimes. I'll say that right now because he _does_. But most of the time I'm not afraid; how could I be? What have I to live for now? There's nothing in my future besides Akatsuki, Akatsuki, Akatsuki. Rah, rah, rah. Nothing but danna.

In a strangely warped way, isn't he the only thing that makes Akatsuki worth it? Kisame's cool and stuff, and I love irritating stupid Uchiha, but they're not _Sasori_. Nothing can measure up to him. Yeah, he hated me in the beginning, and my feelings towards him weren't so stellar either, but we got past that. Sorta.

Something else about our weird friendship. I feel like I'm the rebellious pupil or son at times. I know, yeah? When danna got off his high pedestaled ass and I stopped trying to blow him up at all intervals of the week, we finally had something resembling teamwork between us! Eh, and I guess that awoke some sort of mentor mentality in Sasori-danna, too. Not that he teaches me anything, really, just the meaning of pain when I 'dared' contradicting his ideas of art in the beginning. I learned to dodge his random attacks real quick after that. No love lost between us, yeah.

And the first time? The first time I saw what he looked like underneath that cloak was humiliating. I'd just been recruited. To see my skills firsthand, Sir Leader chose my future partner to fight me _in front of everyone_. Sorta. As expected, when a member was being inducted, all Akatsuki convene at headquarters. Seeing the whole group being formed in front of me freaked the hell out of me, and it didn't help the fact that they used that holographic jutsu of Sir Leader's. Actually, that freaked me out even more.

What kind of technique allows a shinobi to appear like that from any distance away? How can that presented person be able to physically affect things to where he's been projected, yet be untouchable? Why is it that those cast figures were able to be shown on a physical plane when their bodies were clearly elsewhere? Yeah, that jutsu scared me!

Note, this was all after I was practically kidnapped. And then Sir Leader was telling me to fight Akasuna no Sasori? Hell, no!

Not that I had a choice. My anger served me well in the fight, but I was no match for Sasori-danna when he whipped off the cloak. I went through the usual fare before he actually used himself: Hiruko, some other puppets, though he didn't use Sandaime, which is why it took so long for me to learn that he even had the Kazekage in his possession. 

That was the first time I saw Sasori-danna's greatest work of art. It was impressive, yeah, but being beaten in front of everyone else didn't exactly flatter him in my eyes. And then Sir Leader paired us up. Gah.

So when I got to that courtyard, you have to understand how I was not_kinda surprised_, but _really shocked_. It's rare to see danna worked up enough to look like a crazy loon, yeah, and why the heck is he just standing there staring at me with this intensity that I would've at any other time joked that he looked like a mooning lovestruck girl?

"When first we saw of each other, your fighting was coarse and unrefined, yet you claimed to have the power to defeat Itachi."

He didn't wait for my answer; my face was enough.

"And not a week ago…" he whispered, "you fell into a lapse of character. I didn't…"

Something broke through that manic expression of his. Something telling of some strain he'd gone through, a something close-to-an-emotion-_thing_ that stood out in sharp contrast to what should have been a smooth countenance.

"Not too long ago, I made you out to be weak. Those Suna-nins…I did not believe you would be affected by them so strongly. Partnership, friendship…what are these things? But all I seem to do is demean you, yet you only truly realized this after that battle."

"No, Sasori no danna! That's not…danna…"

Walking smoothly over to me, his steady gaze held my bewildered one.

"I see. We have a problem on our hands, Deidara." His mouth twisted slightly. "We cannot have teamwork if one of us can't work, correct? You've been doing well so far, but I could only conclude that your change was my fault, if indirectly. I've been puzzled lately, and not a little frustrated by you. I guess…it can't be helped then."

Sasori-danna made an airy hand gesture that impulsively made me smile.

"…Let's see how you really measure up now."

That smile immediately dropped…into a gawk.

Kisame slapped me on the back, startling me badly. He crowed, "Now _that_ was what I was waiting for! Way to drag it out, Sasori-san!" I'd forgotten he was even there.

"A fight? You want to fight me? _Now_?"

He managed not to look irritated at my glaringly obvious statement. He only said, "Come."

…With all the patience he could muster. So says the man who hates three things: Waiting, Suna, and me.

_Or my art_…

Sasori-danna considers no one his equal. This is especially true when it comes to other shinobi. In this admittedly private belief of his, he doesn't think that in terms of arrogance…eh, sorta. It's true that no one's his equal here. In Akatsuki, you are either weaker or stronger than Akasuna no Sasori; there is no equal footing to be had with him, or so he thinks. A strange quirk of his, but there are obvious exceptions…

Like, his entire forbidden puppet collection. Every life he's stolen, in body and mind and soul, are worthy enough to be worked to perfection from under his hands. They are the shinobi he's faced that had been his equal in every way. In life, but not in death, because with every added human to his collection, Sasori-danna grows stronger, but they don't grow weaker. They stay the same…preserved as they were in the final fight of their lives, hung up for display when they are used again and again in his path to strengthening himself. 

His bizarre form of respect, but still _respect_.

And he's challenging me…as his equal?! _No one else_ knows how he selects new puppets. _No one else_ is in the know of his weird equality-complex. And _no one else_ has been allowed to witness Akasuna no Sasori, my partner, at his most human moments…

_This_…_this is __his way of cheering me up._

His backhand apology at the way he executed that fight with those Anbu Suna-nins had nothing, absolutely _nothing_ in terms of 'caring' for me, not like this. He…I can't possibly compare to Sasori-danna! How could he even consider—? This couldn't be something he thought up of in a week—respect like that, however begrudging, _couldn't_ have been formed in so little time. So _how_…?

Fuck._ Fuck_. I choked out a laugh, raising a shaky hand to my face. "All this time, huh…?"

"Knowing you as I do," he began cryptically, "anyone would develop a healthy amount of fear for your explosions."

Fear. Heh. I shot him an answering grin, wide, crooked, and familiar. Genuine. "All right, Sasori no danna. I accept your challenge, un."

He paused, smiling faintly in realization. "This is the first time you've indulged in that inarticulate habit of yours for awhile now, hasn't it?"

My grin broadened. "Un…Yeah!"

"Good," he said simply, and then _charged—_!

And we spoke no more.

* * *

In the awesomelicious GaaSaku fic, "Equilibrium" by Celtic Oak, kickass timeskip!Sakura was kidnapped and couldn't rescue herself so she goes through the same angst issues here but Gaara cheered her up in the only way he knew how.


	3. Acceptance

I haven't edited anything of this fic. It's a very old work and doesn't accurately show my current writing style. However, I was quite fond of it once. For nostalgia's sake, then.

* * *

The first time I killed I cried, un. And the first time I saw a first kill I couldn't do anything but stare. I couldn't even speak, I was so terrified. My first kill may have shook me…but it was the latter that shocked me more.

I'd made Genin at eight, and Chunnin years later when academy students were just being put into teams. I didn't understand my villagers. 'Genius,' they called me. The most promising student of the late Tsuchikage's son, they said. When people looked at me they saw worth. The hope of Iwagakure. Apparently, Iwagakure's genius standards were lower than the rest if they chose _me _to idolize.

They claimed I was going to become Rokudaime Tsuchikage. They claimed I was going to pull them out of the rut their last Kage put them all in. _They claimed I was going to become famous._

Well, I am, un. Just not in the way they expected.

Bizarrely, I'd been watching the light snowfall around me for the last several hours. And I don't even know why. Sasori-danna's hiding away at Headquarters still, but I felt restless. I wanted to do _something_, I knew, but what?

The answer, strangely enough, came in the form of a festival.

Or, more accurately, a celebration, un.

Skulking around old, familiar haunts, I'd somehow reached close enough to the capital to hear the news—the inauguration of the Sixth Tsuchikage. Before I knew it, I found myself rushing to see it for myself; I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.

_They_…_replaced me?_

Now, hours later after bearing witness to an inauguration that should've been mine, all I could think of was that could have been _me_. That could've been me, un. It could've been me, standing up there making pretty speeches to the people…

But why? Why was I overcome with such grief? I didn't understand them then, and I sure don't understand them now, but I'm starting to think that the most confusing person of all is me.

I went through something similar like this. Not right after I defected—I was too angry, too bitter to feel such remorse. I was so set on leaving that I had no times for such thoughts or emotions. It must have been…after I left with Akatsuki, un. Yeah. It must've been.

I thought I was over such petty regrets. I guess I was wrong.

In actuality, when I left Iwa I didn't do anything to warrant an S-class rank on my head, or the bounty that followed after all. I was notorious and all, and the villagers' thoughts of me turned from admiration to disgust, but I wasn't outright _hated_.

I was pitied, un, which was even worse.

"How could someone so great fall so far?" they wondered. They couldn't understand freedom if it slapped them in the faces. They certainly couldn't understand how I could stand falling out of the good graces of the village to be a petty terrorist across the country.

My only remorse came in the form of a newly developed clay I'd titled C-3. Funny that the moment I released the bomb that took a third of the village with it was the first time I ever felt regret. But with that action I joined Akatsuki officially, cast my name with the S-class lot, and made the villagers curse the day I was born.

They should have done that already, seeing as that was the day Godaime was elected Tsuchikage. Idiots that they are, it's only now that they realize how foolish they've all been when it came to inter village genii.

My feelings of regret weren't completely unfounded though. I nearly broke the promise I'd sworn to keep ever since I was a kid, and I don't take that likely, un. Iwakagure was a good test subject as any when I subjugated it to my 'specialty.' I didn't anticipate the sheer power behind the blast, and I was loving every moment of it.

That was until I heard the first screams. They weren't shinobi either, but little children. Innocents. The part of Iwa I was planning on blowing up, Sector-C, ran adjacent to the residential lots. During my hasty, excitable plans, I hadn't accounted for the sheer density of _civilians_ living in the area; I'd only been hell bent on destroying the business district that I'd forgotten all about the closely packed population right next door. Slums. Rats._ Enclave_.

The blast made contact and exploded upwards. Sasori-danna, Itachi, and Kisame watched aloft from a cliff-face at the sheer destructive force of the explosion. They were surprised, no doubt, and a little impressed, but they were probably shaking their heads at my eagerness as well.

I wasn't trying to show off, and I sure as hell didn't want their first impressions of me to be marred by what they probably perceived to be a show of crap machoness. Though, those were probably shot to hell, too. Their first impressions of me were undoubtedly of a explosive-happy brat with nothing to show for all his boastings except a little clay spider.

Yeah. I proved them wrong that day when I let loose that C-3 blast. The resounding shock wave from the blast even almost knocked over a startled Itachi, which was a bang. One of my more founder Akatsuki memories, un.

I wasn't thinking of that though, my mind being more preoccupied with the finality of what I _did _as my adrenaline died down into muted shock.

Kisame approved. Not daring to laugh in the Uchiha's presence, he'd later show just how much he approved by how quickly he took a liking to me. Loosening up, I found his company fun and I enjoyed many subsequent talks with him in the future.

Itachi was not amused. Even now, two years after the incident, he still occasionally threatens me with bodily harm, for seemingly no reason at. He now seems determined to ignore me, which isn't going so well for him since I insist on pestering at all times. Nobody else in Akatsuki's stupid enough to aggravate Itachi like I do, apparently.

Sasori-danna didn't show a reaction to the incident any more than he would to food. Which is saying a lot. I think it convinced him that I'm a moron to the highest degree, and he would be amused to see who would be stuck with an idiot like me.

Imagine when he found out Sir Leader paired him up with me.

Another one of my more fonder memories, un.

Unfortunately, the two of us clashed like you wouldn't believe. And we clashed _badly_. The two of us fighting together was like…trying to mesh together our respective art styles. They don't click, and they don't work! Our teamwork reflected our natures exactly, of the many bitter bickering of two scorned artists attempting to convert the other.

No, scratch that, un. Sasori-danna never tried to convert me. Back then, he would've been _horrified _at the thought that someone like me would have anything in common with him, mainly that which he held most dear. One of our earliest arguments on our conflicting views on art was actually spurred on by his own curiosity, and ultimately led to the crux of my remorse problem.

"How can you call that art?" he demanded once. "That blast was hardly anything that a person can admire. It was…ungainly, unruly. Completely wild and out of control. You call this art, Deidara?"

"Art is a bang, Sasori no danna! And my explosions are no different! One minute it was there and the next—_bang_—Iwa blew up in flames! All golden and light, flash and excitement…nothing like your _boring_ puppets, un! Better than fireworks, even."

"And now you call fireworks art, brat? Disgusting," he spat, "that's what I think of your art. Disgusting. There's nothing refined about it. _Art_, brat, is delicate and refined and made with care. Your greatest work was the near destruction of Iwa, which held none of the finesse of mytactics when I conquered a whole country."

"Brag, brag, brag! Everyone appreciated my art that day, Sasori no danna! Even Sir Leader! And don't you deny it, danna—you liked it, too!"

"Oh, I can't deny the pleasure of seeing Uchiha be made a fool of himself for once, but other than that your initiation was a fluke. Leader-sama may have been impressed with your little display of revenge, but that does not place your art on any level near _mine _does. If anything, it is lacking."

"Yeah, un? Is that what you think?" I shot back. "Petty revenge wasn't just my goal—C-3 is my greatest creation! And I'll be damned if I ever let Iwa forget me! I'll bet that every time I visit them in the future I'll be the talk of the town for _years_!"

"And why do you plan on going back?" Sasori-danna snorted, incredulous, "Deidara, the only thing you'll merit from your countrymen, if you _are _stupid enough to go back, is a cacophony of screaming greeting your return."

I hid my unease well. Plastering on a cocky smirk, I exclaimed, "Ha! They'll be so glad to see me, they'll hold festivals in honor of the day I didn't obliterate them all. They'll be terrified to say my name, and they'll fall over their dainty feet to not piss me off! You'll see! I'll even come tell you when they do, un!"

He snorted again. "You do that, brat. You do that."

And I did just that. Only, I had no such news to tell.

"They…they aren't doing anything, un," I muttered in disbelief. When I collapsed on the bed adjacent to his, I could only stare at him, a little lost. I didn't know what kind of a response I was expecting from him, but him shooting me a weird look definitely wasn't it.

"What are you going on about, brat," he said gruffly; he hadn't come out of Hiruko yet.

"Iwagakure…they're doing absolutely nothing to heal themselves." I sounded…puzzled? Bewildered? It seemed like such a stupid thing—what happened to the prideful Iwa I knew as a child? The war and prestige obsessed man known as only the Fifth Tsuchikage? Surely, they couldn't honestly expect to _leave _Iwa to fend for itself? "I'm just…weirded out, yeah. I mean…they're not _doing _anything, un," I finished lamely.

I was more disturbed about the situation than I was letting on, never mind the fact that it was _me _who threw Iwa into hotter waters in the first place. Was I being stupid, un?

Apparently so. Sasori-danna finally climbed out of Hiruko, but his placid, angelic face was marred by a scowl.

An impatient sigh. "Are you _worried_ about them?" The way he said it implied that it was a bad thing. Judging by his expression…it probably was.

I don't know why I didn't feel alarmed then. Showing any signs of _interest _in a positive manner to your old village was a big taboo, after all, in the Missing-nin Handbook of Badness. And however rebellious a kid I was…I was still the newbie in Akatsuki. I wasn't as sure of myself then as I am now. And I certainly wasn't proud of my unorthodox ways like I'd come to be some ways into the future.

Despite being a missing-nin for a few years before being dragged off to Akatsuki, it wasn't like I was a part of an _official _organization or anything before. I was my own person, damn it. Besides…un. Not like I've ever went to a convention of notorious S-class-nins where they sit us down and lay down the unsaid rules of being branded a traitor of our villages. A silly thought, but a ridiculous one at that.

Missing-nins had to learn everything the hard way. There was no established village for _traitors_, after all, only…Akatsuki, un. Every other organization doesn't count, not when I know firsthand what being Akatsuki _means_.

Still…it was pretty obvious I shouldn't have said that. Not to Sasori-danna, at least, not when thoughts and actions geared towards compassion wouldn't be appreciated. Not in an organization like ours.

Surprisingly, Sasori-danna's scowl smoothed away into a small frown. He had an annoyed expression just then, looking as though he'd just come to a very troublesome revelation, most likely because of me.

"Deidara…" he sighed. I was right. "What you are experiencing is an altered and malformed version of Stockholm Syndrome. Unfortunately."

I stared at him. He stared at me back.

"Stockholm Syndrome," he said slowly. "When you show damning loyalty to your abductor? When you're a hostage but start sympathizing with them? When you and your captor form a ridiculous bond? _That_ Syndrome? Do you know of it at all?"

"Then…_how_?" My words came out more as a strangled yelp than an actual question.

Having a look of long suffering patience, Sasori-danna drawled, "Why did you leave your village, Deidara?"

Taken aback, I didn't answer immediately. "Un…freedom?" I threw out wildly.

"You and everyone else," he muttered. Straightening, Sasori-danna seemed to be channeling some sort of inner professor when he next spoke, although a begrudging one. "Think of what you're experiencing right now as…Stockholm Syndrome, but with flipped circumstances. You are a 'hostage' who escaped, and rather than wanting to stay that way, instead you're feeling the strangest urges of…unfounded loyalty to a certain party."

Even if the explanation made no sense, I was furious at its implications, nonetheless. "I am _not _feeling 'unfounded loyalty' to Iwa! Sasori no danna, you're being _unfair_, un!"

Holding up a hand to quiet my protests, he continued, dry sounding, "Despite what you may think, Deidara, almost all missing-nins exhibit signs of this disgusting ailment, whether they want to or not. Humans are so foolish; they have such conflicting minds, even when they feel so sure of themselves. And unless they have an unusually good reason for their betrayal, they'll feel doubt over their decision, no matter how tiny. Otherwise," he sighed, "anyone who says differently is lying."

"Even you, danna? Even you were affected?"

"I turned myself into a puppet before I left," he answered tersely. "Of course I wouldn't feel such disgusting, human emotions after Suna."

So why was Sasori-danna capable of appearing human more than Itachi ever could? I didn't say anything to that; in an offhanded, round about way…danna had actually reassured me. That was enough for me, and as for him, he was done playing teacher, un.

We never spoke of the conversation after that. And I never brought up Iwa in such a sympathetic light way ever again.

Is it so strange to think that I once felt sorry for Iwa? For what I did to them? Is it so wrong to assume that that onetime show of loyalty to my old village was the only time I ever felt remorse for my past actions when it came to Iwa? Are missing-nins completely heartless? Are we nothing but tools even when we escape our past masters?

Yes. Yes, we are.

I may not be emotionally fucked up like, say…Itachi, but that doesn't make it any easier for me, un. Ideologies may change, attitudes may differ, and no one who chooses to run off to become a missing-nin is left unscathed from the ordeal, but if there's anything in common between us two, it would be that we went through the same shit. We just…dealt with it differently. That's all, un.

And I'm sure, on the most basest, subconscious level…we even feel the same way. Not that I want to have anything in common with the bastard, I'm just using the two of us as the most extreme examples on the spectrum of what a missing-nin could be.

You either became as weird as Itachi, or as weird as me. Simple as that, un.

Both options, honestly, don't sound that appealing though, right? Oh, but don't worry. If you go the Itachi route, you won't care either way. And if you go my way…er, then you're most likely one of those 'woefully wronged' missing-nin types. Not to mention, the ones the most affected by, what's it called…the 'Stockholm Syndrome' thingy.

Imagine Itachi being affected by what Sasori-danna explained so long ago. Freaking hilarious, un!

But at the same time kinda scary.

Itachi and I…we really are different. Obviously, yeah. But that's not what I mean. I don't know much about the guy, other than what I've picked up, but his childhood is as skewed as he deserves Exulted and revered, rumors flew throughout the shinobi countries of Konoha's very own Uchiha genius. Said rumors even reached Iwa. But Uchiha Itachi wasn't something to be gawked and awed at back then. Not in Earth, and definitely not in its hidden village.

It was another thing to be jealous of. To be angry at. Konoha just seemed so fortunate, having picked itself up from the floor after the War quite nicely. And when Iwa was floundering in civil war, in contrast, Konoha was flourishing peacefully under the rule of an aging Hokage. Konoha was doing excellently, while Iwa was going nowhere. All the fault lied with the Godaime Tsuchikage for that, of course, but I suppose…we were also to be blamed in the end...yeah.

I bought into the whole anti-Konoha propaganda thing. I was a loyal shinobi. I graduated early, became an adult early, and served my village early. Nationalistic pride kept me, for a time, enraged at the most hated enemy in recent years. At their success. At their recovery. At their apathy. Because we couldn't even have the joy of snubbing _our_ pride at them, for Iwa had been going nowhere.

We'd been left in the dust, un. We had no future. There was no pride to be had when one looked at Iwa….It was disgusting. Despicable. And I'd wanted to change that. I didn't believe I was strong enough, but my place in the village assured and ingrained in me a belief that I could actually change things for Iwa…

I'd been such a fool. The village never cared about me at all. It didn't care about anybody else, too. And those few embittered, disenchanted shinobi that were seen as leftovers from the War knew that. Had they been given a choice they would've screwed honor and that shit to ditch and become missing-nins. Their reputations slain, their comrades dead, and their lives proven to have absolutely no regard in matters of village politics, what else did they have going for them, un?

In a way, I admire those idiot men. And they were idiots. They should've never come back to their home, never indulged in their masochistic curiosity to see if their dented predications would come true when they returned. Returning from the war held no honor. All the dead had been long disposed of and grieved for. Due to Tsuchikage's rule, and all of Iwa had been led to believe that to die for him _was _the greatest honor. Any survivors who happened to come back were disgraced and spat upon.

"You should have died," people sneered at them. "You should never have come back."

Those men with their dimmest, idiotic faith and belief in their village had come back, hoping against all hope that things would turn out differently than in their minds. Unfortunately, Iwa-nins aren't stupid, yet they still returned. Why? How could they have trudged back from the war? They knew full well the consequences, or at the very least had suspicions of them. Every one of them had grown up in that village, shaped and molded by traditions and culture. They should've known full well that their return would not be regarded kindly.

The war heroes you read about in Earthen textbooks had all died for their village. Victory, on Iwa's part, might as well have been written by the dead hands of their godforsaken heroes. History is written by the victors, so how had they known about the courageous actions of said heroes? If all survivors were spurned, how else would those textbooks would've known what to be written about?

From those very same spurned survivors—the **true** war heroes, un. Because no survivors would've dared show his face to his village had he been a coward from the start. Besides…cowards and wretched shinobi would've been picked off early on from the start. Those men…those men had fought with their all. To have lived long enough for their desire to go back to _Iwa_ and go through with it? Obviously, had they truly been nothing but pitiful cowards, they would not have lived that long.

I pitied them. I pitied them so much. I still do. But I am grateful for the war, grateful, even, to have been one of the first to have realized the significance of those dying men trying to crawl back home. Even if I were to only learn of such circumstances years later. The Godaime does not like having such men in _his_ village, them being nothing but black stains to him. Things to throw out and be rid of.

The War ruined everything. Had it not have ended as a standoff between Earth and Fire…had not the outcome of the war wavered between loss for both sides and a tie…it would have been different. It would have.

Then those pitiful shinobi would have been _exulted_ as the heroes they were. But so disgraced was Iwa that their pride had been shredded to nothing that everyone took their anger out on the survivors of the War. And when civil war came around, although there were very clear, defining distinctions of the different factions, those 'war heroes' was welcomed to be picked off by anyone; Iwa's dirty little secrets. It was the one thing that all participants of Iwa's latest civil war agreed on: That no one would be blamed if the leftovers from the War were killed off in _their_ fighting.

Disgusting. The culture I was trapped in, the rules we adhered by…when I heard of such a thing it was the final straw. It…rendered many favorable views I had on my village. Quite likely, it could've been then that my respect for them became nil, but I was a child. And the terrible results from the War had nearly nothing to do with the life I had then. I had duties to do, and my path was clear to me. Dwelling on old pains and agonies would do nothing for me, so I held my tongue and shut up such traitorous thoughts spurred on by righteous anger.

Hah. Righteous anger, un. Funny.

Now, Itachi. The thing that started this whole rant about this and that. Of course I don't know anything about his past, but what I've filched off of Kisame is enough to make me cringe.

We're the one in the same. Eh…sorta. One of the first things I've learned in the Art of Annoying Itachi is to never ask that the telltale question of why he killed his clan. It grates his nerves, makes him snippy, and generally makes him lose his cool—an eyebrow twitch counts as that when applied to him, right?!

Really, who gives a damn that he wiped out an entire clan with possibly the strongest doujutsu around? Is it really that impressive? Hasn't everyone here done some crazy shit before joining Akatsuki? I mean, whatever, so Red Eyes defects and rebels like the funky kid he is—was—then made Konoha went all screwy because of some 'civil war' crap or some similar bullshit like that.

I think Iwa breathed a sigh of relief when rumors went rampant around the country about that. A lot of Uchihas ran around Earth wreaking havoc. And just because they were big and bad back in the day didn't save them from _Iwagakure's_ bloodlimits. I'm not proud of them. I'm just stating fact, yeah. But for awhile there were insane rumors. Heh, the clan's annihilation still made headline news when they just up and disappeared on the world. Konoha was silly enough to think they could sweep _everything _under the rug.

After all, we got Itachi, didn't we?

Personally, if he wasn't him, I'd have thought that he snapped under the pressure. He was practically hailed as Konoha's god or some other crazy shit like that. We both made Chunnin around the same ages, but not the same time. And then he made Anbu at some other ungodly age, right? Not so sure about anything else, but with those statistics you either have to praise Itachi for his skills or just ignore it. I do lots of the latter, yeah. Heh. I don't think Konoha is capable of either though.

I feel sorry for Kisame. He's deathly afraid of Itachi. He acts like Itachi's the boss! Admittedly, yeah, I guess he could kill Fishy-chan in a heartbeat…which is not cool. Very not cool. I'm not going to go charge up to the guy, though, and off him just to save Fishy-chan! I've been doing something else, yeah, something better. Something that no one knows but me. They think I'm an idiot and all, so pulling off what I've been training myself to do is 'incredible.' Has to do with my stupid scope, which isn't so stupid, now that I think about it.

I developed a counter to Itachi's Sharingan, yeah.

Shocking, I know. Dumbass Dediara…unaffected by Itachi's bloodlimit? No one knows. Not even danna, and I don't want to know how Itachi will react. Maybe he won't. Maybe he will. I try to keep it a secret, and it's okay now, but what about when the bastard finally accepts my challenge and fights me? Oh-so awesome Uchiha Itachi…his Sharingan thwarted by lovable me!

Why did I do it, yeah? I wasn't really thinking of beating Itachi at the time…I wasn't thinking at all. At least it wasn't a mistake, or accidental, which would have been really stupid. I'm smart, too! Don't write me off just because I'm blond! Or…something. Hidan likes to point that out, the hypocrite.

"No, it's fucking_ platinum_, blondie. Get the shitty color right!"

Guess who had his 'fucking platinum hair' blown up then? Hidan couldn't hold back from scything me after that. What a pretty temper…almost as explosive as one of my birds. I even complimented him about it! He didn't like that either, yeah.

I have a thing for comparing life to my art. Sasori-danna said that once, as if it were a bad thing! But even as quick paced as I am, I don't think my patience is as thin as danna's…his is legendary. Everybody knows about it! And Akatsuki likes to exploit it!…Behind his back, of course.

Art is a bang, yeah…but does anyone know that what I really love about explosions is not the bang, but the emotions? Glittering, pretty fireworks…like that time I nuked the Lord's place for Akatsuki to exploit, but, no…it's not because it's pretty. Much better than Sasori-danna's art though—hmph! So cold, so meticulous, so…so him! This should make me affectionate and fond-like to his art, yeah? But it doesn't…no life. There's no life to them.

The first time I killed I cried, un. And the first time I sawa first kill I couldn't do anything but stare. I couldn't even speak, I was so terrified. My first kill may have shook me…but it was the latter that shocked me more.

I'd made Genin at eight, and Chunnin years later when academy students were just being put into teams. I didn't understand my villagers. 'Genius,' they called me. The most promising student of the late Tsuchikage's son, they said. When people looked at me they saw worth. The hope of Iwagakure.

They claimed I was going to become Tsuchikage. They claimed I was going to pull them out of the rut their last Kage put them all in. _They claimed I was going to become famous._

Well, I am, un. Just not in the way they expected.

I joined Akatsuki.

I live. And I will die. I am Akatsuki; I am not their king, I am not their _god._ I am Akatsuki, Deidara of Iwa previously, now Deidara of Akatsuki…

Tsuchikage…Deidara?

I could have been him. Rokudaime…huh. I could have been him. I could have.

My sensei always did get chills whenever he'd watch me; never before had he seen a student so gifted, so taken with the arts…The arts…of war.

But I wasn't war hungry. I don't even relish war now. And now that that filthy Godaime is dead…what will happen to little Iwa now? Rokudaime Tsuchikage…huh?!

A kid. Nothing but a kid. He doesn't know shit—what does he know of leadership? The weak flounder and…and get crumpled up like paper. The strong rule in Earth. Long before any of those tree-huggers came around, Earth was filled with nomads. We were already on our way to building a _society_.

The mountains. The earth. The sea. We loved them all. Nothing but war tears them up anymore…

Iwagakure doesn't need this Rokudaime. And Akatsuki agrees.

It's a beautiful night. Clear. And brisk, yeah. The kind one wants to dance in, but it's so cold…

…Let's warm ourselves up then, yeah?

It was only until that the skies were lit with explosive colors that I realized just how pretty the pristine snow looked on Iwa now.

I came back ridiculously pleased. And why shouldn't I be? I felt buoyant, so…so light. And happy. Habitual rituals do that to me, yeah.

But I still felt cold. The little girl's eyes that followed me until her last dying breath…there was something seriously fucked up about that.

I hate children. I hate them because they're _there _and—so—fragile. I hate them because they're like cockroaches. You squish one and another pops up in its place. They're everywhere and nowhere at the same time and…and they fight the hardest to _survive_. For fuck's sake, they get killed so easily but they never go away...!

When I was a brat from Iwa, I couldn't have been that annoying.

After all, I was too smart to act up like an idiot then. Not during the war. Not...not back then.

Everyone knew shinobi were another form of child soldiers. Get them young, train them up, and breed in them infallible loyalty and there you have the perfect soldier. During warfare, villages threw children at the enemy in truckfulls. It was a little sad, un.

That is, if you cared.

I cared very much because I was one of them.

* * *

One of the things I like to play with is the idea that Deidara is a genius. Just, meh, not in the traditional sense. Honestly, though, is no one getting annoyed at all of Deidara's UNs? It's getting on my nerves.

Initially, the chapter started out of the desire to show the psychological consequences of Deidara's first kill. It didn't quite turn out that way. The last line implies an immediate sequel in the next chapter. It'll dwell on his past years if I bother to continue writing this.


End file.
